My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert is most upset. He has lost his dog and is inconsolable. The canine in question has been on the missing list for well over a week. I strongly advised Albert to put an ad in the paper, in an effort to ascertain the errant woofers whereabouts. When I went round to see him yesterday, Barmy Albert informed me that there had been no response whatsoever. I asked him exactly what wording he used in the advertisement and he replied “Come here boy!”
He was most attached to his dog though. It was one of those Jack Russell types and was always jumping up at you when you visited. I went round to see Albert a couple of weeks ago and he offered me a dish of his home made vegetable soup. The dog was going crazy and doing virtual somersaults, cartwheels and back-flips during my brief visit. I asked Albert why the animal was so highly-strung and Albert laconically replied “You’ve got his bowl.”
Every time the doorbell rings, our dog goes and sits in the corner. My wife says it’s because he’s a boxer.
A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here." The atom didn't react.
Breaking News: A nine year old girl has disappeared after using that moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
I'm suffering from paranoid dementia. I can't remember who I don't trust. Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling miserable and depressed, but I’ve managed to turn it all around, and now I’m depressed and miserable.
Fascinating Fact: If an onion is the only vegetable that makes you cry, what if someone chucked a swede at you?.
The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......
I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did was throw him out of the cinema.
I phoned tech services and sez I had a problem and she sez "Right click on Tools, Accounts and then Internet Options..." I replied: "Hang on! You're going too fast!" She sez:"What have you done up to now?" I replied: "I've written click..."
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Only work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org