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Monday 30 November 2009

Manchester United have MUTV. Chelsea have Blue TV. Liverpool have the History Channel. 'Sparky' Mark Hughes is planting some potatoes and carrots around the pitch at Eastlands. This is to ensure that he has summat to pick up at the end of the season.

Q: What's the main problem with Gordon Brown jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: What's the difference between Gordon Browns cabinet and an open prison?
A: One is full of tax evaders, false expenses claimants and threats to society.
The other is for prisoners. Gordon Brown: He has got what it takes, to take what you've got!

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to
carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there
were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked
an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear,"
replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have
her zimmer frame back?"

Here is a poem to my former wife, it's called: EX:
As bad things go,
She went.

New songs wot I wrote in different towns:

'I can see Chorley now, the train has gone" (parody)
" The only man who could ever reach me, a delivery pizza man!" (Dusty Springfield)
"Don't look back in Bangor" (Oasis)
"Knutsford City Limits" ( I Can Turn A Corner)

We were late for an evening out, and I was downstairs, pacing back and forth glancing at my watch, then I yelled upstairs to the missus, "Are you ready yet?" Shouting back, she replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last two hours that I'll be ready in five minutes!" What’s all that about then?

This fella is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. He sez "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" CLICK,BANG! Fella replies "OK, I've done that, whats next?"

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Moreover, let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Furthermore, sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you justget more light? So visit my website and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work! Christmas is-a-comin,' the countdown is on!! Gonna costa fortune innit! Aaaaargh!

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

Tuesday 24 November 2009

I'm An Illegal Immigrant- Try And Get Me Out Of Here!

A Somali arrives in Bradford as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. Britain for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Britain!" The person says, "I no
I Chinese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Poland, I am not

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you British ?"

She says, "No, I am from Pakistan!" So he is puzzled, and asks her,
"Where are all the British?"

The Pakistani lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work."
08:09 | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | "Life with Austin"

Perks Of The Job...

In the local chemist, a geezer asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The lady at the
counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her
sister owned the shop, so there were no male employees. She asked how she
could help. The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. She reminded him that
she was completely professional, observed confidentiality and he could speak with her.

"This is difficult for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent
erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

"Just a moment", said the pharmacist, " I'll go and have a word with my sister."

She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this in great detail. The
absolute best we can do is, 25% ownership of the shop, a
company Mercedes, and £6,000 a month living expenses."

Check Your EYESIGHT!!


If so, scroll down...



Beware Toast!!!

Breaking News...

Breaking News: The Large Hadron Collider experiment has re-started after a 14-month hiatus while the machine was being repaired. The LHC is being used to smash together beams of protons in a bid to shed light on the nature of the Universe. Smashing together particles to resemble summat else is nowt new. The missus has been at it for many years in our scullery. She generally uses the smoke alarm as a timer. We have the only wheelie-bin on our street that has ulcers.

The Secret Language of Women – What they REALLY mean!

(1) Fine : This is the word that women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a buffoont and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Fascinating Facts: During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, she said that she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long. You couldn’t make it up could you?

Joke of the week: A woman went to A & E at the local hospital, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about two minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's office. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website or email me:

Thursday 19 November 2009

These are the The Worst (or Best) Country & Western Song Titles of All-Time:

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
15. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
16. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
17. Please Bypass this Heart
18. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
19. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

"A female horth."

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend

over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment". So, the midget

shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her


So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once

over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks

him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her


Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms

and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him

out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, spluttering and


"Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a


Monday 16 November 2009

Army Structure...

I went to a party at my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife last night, where me and my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert, enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick. Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24 hour period. You may experience cider effects.

I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on ones feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

Of course, the following day, she was quite offhand with me. I was sitting on the sofa watching Deal Or No Deal when I heard her voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for tea, lovely? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I replied, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Don’t be stoopid. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat." Hell hath no fury innit!

Christmas Gift Idea! Japanese scientists have created a digital camera that has such a rapid shutter speed that it can take a picture of a woman with her gob shut! Incredible innovation innit!

Last week, I was driving to a gig in Chester and my Sat-Nav said ‘Bear left’ and there was Chester Zoo! How brilliant is that? Terrific technology!

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

Feeling a bit down? Brighten up your day by doing the following:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Gordon Brown ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Disclaimer: the accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts undisputed after more than 2 minutes after the document is printed become uncontrovertible truths.

Friday 13 November 2009

Friday Blonde Gag..

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside
who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,... .. "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,


The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' ..... Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday' ..... duuhhh!"

Thursday 12 November 2009

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational,

which once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic

and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are

running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got

extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is

off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,

Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting

the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem

smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed

just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,

gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and

be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding

a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning

submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are

asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much

weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having flat stomach.

4 Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up

who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death,
the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.

Friday 6 November 2009

Teacher Joke..

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that
eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word,
but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's
no tomorrow!


A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their
25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening
25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

"When you first saw my
naked body in front of you,
what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw
your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked,
"What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "Mission Accomplished!"


The Doctor's Tale

Dr. Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt really guilty.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake the sense of betrayal.
But every once in a while he’d hear a reassuring voice in his head saying

“Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor
to sleep with a patient, you won’t be the last
and you’re single. Just let it go.”

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality
by whispering
“Dave, you’re a vet.”