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Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Breaking News: The Large Hadron Collider experiment has re-started after a 14-month hiatus while the machine was being repaired. The LHC is being used to smash together beams of protons in a bid to shed light on the nature of the Universe. Smashing together particles to resemble summat else is nowt new. The missus has been at it for many years in our scullery. She generally uses the smoke alarm as a timer. We have the only wheelie-bin on our street that has ulcers.
The Secret Language of Women – What they REALLY mean!
(1) Fine : This is the word that women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a buffoont and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Fascinating Facts: During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, she said that she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long. You couldn’t make it up could you?
Joke of the week: A woman went to A & E at the local hospital, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about two minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's office. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?
I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: email@example.com