Manchester United have MUTV. Chelsea have Blue TV. Liverpool have the History Channel. 'Sparky' Mark Hughes is planting some potatoes and carrots around the pitch at Eastlands. This is to ensure that he has summat to pick up at the end of the season.



Q: What's the main problem with Gordon Brown jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: What's the difference between Gordon Browns cabinet and an open prison?
A: One is full of tax evaders, false expenses claimants and threats to society.
The other is for prisoners. Gordon Brown: He has got what it takes, to take what you've got!

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to
carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there
were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked
an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear,"
replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have
her zimmer frame back?"





Here is a poem to my former wife, it's called: EX:
As bad things go,
She went.


New songs wot I wrote in different towns:

'I can see Chorley now, the train has gone" (parody)
" The only man who could ever reach me, a delivery pizza man!" (Dusty Springfield)
"Don't look back in Bangor" (Oasis)
"Knutsford City Limits" ( I Can Turn A Corner)




We were late for an evening out, and I was downstairs, pacing back and forth glancing at my watch, then I yelled upstairs to the missus, "Are you ready yet?" Shouting back, she replies, "For crying out loud, I've been telling you for the last two hours that I'll be ready in five minutes!" What’s all that about then?

This fella is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. He sez "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" CLICK,BANG! Fella replies "OK, I've done that, whats next?"


In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Moreover, let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Furthermore, sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."


Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you justget more light? So visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work! austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Christmas is-a-comin,' the countdown is on!! Gonna costa fortune innit! Aaaaargh!