Columns from 2023.

 

www.questmedianetwork.co.uk

To the person who stole my Scalextric....

                                           

I walked out on to the stage last weekend and there was only one bloke sat in the audience! I sez: “Well I’m here and you’re here, so I’ll perform my whole international cabaret act, especially for you!”  He replied: “Well get a move on.  I want to lock up!”

 

The night before was even worse!  I sauntered out onto the stage area and there was one couple sat at the front.  I just happened to ask: “Are you married?”  She replied: “I’m his second wife.” I don’t know what possessed me, but I sez: “You wouldn’t be my first choice….”  Well, it went down like a Russell Brand Kissogram! I made my excuses and left….

To the person who stole my Scalextric.  What goes around….

If perchance, you have a Sat Nav in your car that you can change the voice on, lots of folk tend to download a pop icon or Hollywood star that they are a fan of.  Whatever you do, do not under any circumstances use Bono from U2. I did this last week and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.  Moreover, after that unfortunate farrago, I then installed the voice of Bonnie Tyler.  Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart!

Barmy Albert returns home from work one night to discover that Non-Stick Nora is missing. He spends the next two days looking all round Scropton Street for her, only to come home on the second night and find Nora sitting in the kitchenette, eating a plate of corned beef hash      "You’re alive!" he cries. "Where have you been all this time?" " Nora sez: These four blokes kidnapped me and made mad passionate love with me for a week!" she replies. Albert exclaimed: "But you’ve only been gone two days?" Nora replied: "Yeah, I’m just here to get summat to eat, then I have to go back".

                                             

Two lawyers wandered into The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife pub and ordered two soft drinks. They then produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to scoff them. Dastardly Denis, the landlord  became incandescent with rage and marched over and told them straight: "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!" The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse are just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob sez:, “I think I’m gonna divorce the missus. She hasn’t spoken to me in over two months”. Paul continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully replied: “You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find!”

 

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that they’ve built a Disney World in Tokyo. The only place in the whole world where everyone is too small to go on the rides!

 

I met an American guy in Manchester. He sez: “Hey boy, you see that building over there, back in the States, we got buildings a hundred times bigger!” I replied: “I’m not surprised. It’s a lunatic asylum.”

 

While at church attending Sunday services, Elsie and Tommy Grabknuckle had the following whispered conversation. "I just silently broke wind, what do you think I should do?" asked Elsie.  Tommy replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."

 

Why are married women heavier than single women? It’s quite simple really, let me explain: A single woman will return home, see what’s in the fridge, if there’s nothing there that she fancies, then she’ll go to bed. A married woman will come home, see what’s in the bed and go straight to the fridge.

                                     

The Stars & Stripes....

                                                  

The missus curtly informed me that there was a bloke knocking on our front door with a beard. I sez: “No wonder we didn’t hear him!”  Anyway, I went to the door and the bearded bloke told me that he was from Everest.  I sez: “Come in.  You must be freezing cold!”  He then replied: “No.  I’m from Everest Double Glazing.” I told him that we already had it installed. He exclaimed: “That’s why I’m here.  You haven’t made a payment for a whole year!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: “Yeah.  But you told me that it would pay for itself within a year!”

Ethel Scroggins decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Aldi. “Aldi?” the lawyer exclaimed. “Why Aldi?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week “

On the home improvement front, I’ve just had a state-of-the-art electronic garage door installed. It’s voice controlled and opens when it hears the wife’s voice. To be honest, I haven’t seen it shut yet…

Since Buzz Aldrin planted the Stars & Stripes on the moon, solar radiation over the years has bleached those flags pure white. So, if anyone went to the moon now, they’d think that the French got there first!

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora drove down The Snake Pass in their Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Trans-Am for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, Nora asked sarcastically:  "Relatives of yours?"  "Yep," Albert replied, "in-laws."

 

Thursday Quiz:-   Which Icelandic singer is named after a city in England? Is it:

A. Norwich.

B. York.

C. Doncaster.

                                 

I changed the ringtone on my iPhone alarm to the Hokey-Cokey last week.  It was a big mistake. It took me thirty minutes to get out of bed the following morning!

 

 Fascinating Fact:  If you were born the year that the hit song Red, Red Wine came out, then UB40.

 

When I went to Gibraltar in August, the flight was incredible.  The captain’s voice was heard over the tannoy announcing garbled messages such as " Spring bank holiday,  Trinity Sunday,  Easter Monday".  All my fellow passengers found these incomprehensible announcements quite disconcerting. I attracted the attention of the stewardess in an attempt to clarify the matter.  I said to her " Go and tell the captain that the word he is searching for is Mayday."

 

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.  As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38! Turn from your sin!"  The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then Elsie immediately called the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."   "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

 

Chester Draws, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get his annual medical examination.  A few days later, the doctor saw Chester walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm .  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Chester and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"  Chester replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."  The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur – be careful."

                             

In the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, Barmy Albert hoisted his beer and said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told Non-Stick Nora, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night" She said, "Aye, did you now? And what was your toast?" Albert said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Albert!" Nora said.
The next day, Nora ran into one of Alberts drinking buddies up Scropton Street back snicket. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Albert won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Nora." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

One dismal rainy night, a Manchester taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down Deansgate. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a shadowy figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Piccadilly Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Innit awful gerrin auld...

                               

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you’re 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?




Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."



The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.



I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for O-A-P's. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Aldi. "Aldi?" the lawyer exclaimed. "Why Aldi?" "Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "



My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.



These days about half the stuff in my shopping trolley says, "For fast relief."



Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.



— THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

                                           

The ADHD Television....

                                 

Last week, I got told off by a copper for doing 40 in a 30mph zone.  Now they've sent me a letter saying "Speeding Fine".  I just wish they'd make up their minds.

Barmy Albert goes into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House and orders a tankard of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. After every slurp, he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the fourth beer, Dastardly Dave, the landlord asks him why after every pot of ale he pulls the picture out and stares at it?  Albert replies: “It's a picture of Non-Stick Nora. When she looks good to me, I'm going home.”

I've bought an ADHD Television. I can't watch it for very long. Another thing that I bought was a new book - Dealing with Kleptomania!  Well, I say bought…

                                       

Breaking news: I’ve just heard on the grapevine that after a two hour car chase, the Paparazzi have managed to shake off Megan and Harry!

                                 

Five surgeons are being interviewed for an article in The Lancet. The journalist was asking them who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, sez: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Tory Cabinet Ministers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine. Moreover, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

                                 

A further unusual manifestation in this freak September heatwave is the abundance of ‘daddy long-legs’ (or crane fly or Tipula paludosa even!) that aimlessly coast into windowpanes, they can’t really fly, they just hover about, nonchalantly engaging in an aloof stance, seemingly possessing no sense of direction whatsoever. Are they students on a gap year?  I find their presence quite disconcerting, especially when partaking in bottoming the skirting boards in the kitchenette. So, last night, I could put up with them no more and decided to eradicate a whole bunch of these annoying creatures.  The vacuum cleaner seemed the most perfect weapon to deploy. There I was stealthily stalking around the house with the Dyson at full power, searching for crane flies.  I had decided that there would be a total zero tolerance policy with regard to these uninvited pests.  None would survive on my watch.  The wife (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) looked at me with disdain.  "What are you doing?" She enquired.  "Chasing daddy long-legs,” I retorted. "Oh! Have you caught any?" She asked.   "Yep, three males and four females,” I replied.   Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" "Three were on a whisky bottle, four were on the phone." I responded.

                                           

Tommy Grabknuckle is 80 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That’s it!” he tells his wife. Elsie.  "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad…. once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went." Elsie sympathises, and pours him a nice mug of Sanatogen.  As they sit down she sez, "Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?" "That’s no good,” sighs Tommy. "Your brother is 89. He can’t help."  "He may be 89", exclaims Elsie, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Tommy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course, I did!" "Where did it go?" asks Tommy. "I can’t remember." He replied.

                                   

Wan Hung Lo calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. my back legs gone, I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."   The boss says, "You know Wan Hung Lo, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go my wife and tell her give me make love. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Low calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house – it very rubbery!"


                                        

A LATE SUMMER? by Steven Taylor

A LATE SUMMER?

There’s no queue at the Fish and chip shop
No half hour wait for ice cream
The beach is a quiet and peaceful place
Like a perfect holiday dream

 
There’s no more shouting and screaming
And sand being kicked in my face
No shitty little family barbecues
I’m loving it here, it’s ace

 
You see Summers come late this year
The sun doesn’t stick to the rules
And the kids have all disappeared now
Back to their crumbling schools

 
So I’m free from all the noise
And juvenile related hassles
And am left here in perfect peace
To build my metaphoric sandcastles

 
So no awful lawless children’s shouts
Ringing all day in my ears
Just the sound of the gentle tide rippling
As I crack another bottle, cheers

SPT.
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The Bank Holiday Shenanigans....

                                    

Another bank holiday weekend! 'The Missus wanted a trip out, (I call her "Viking", because she has a face like a Norse!) and on that basis we proceeded to the Mottram Horse and Dog show. What a brilliant day! They had horse trials which ended with five of the horses being found guilty, another great feature was an "Unusual Pet Competition". A fella with a tin of salmon won it.

 

They held a car boot sale up Scropton Street back snicket over the August Bank Holiday Weekend and I bought a Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's genuine because it's got a bit of veneer missing.

 

Manchester City signed Belgian winger Jeremy Doku from French club Rennes on a five-year deal last month. His wife Sue is a bit of a puzzle though….

 

I don’t believe that Christmas stuff is in the shops already!  Watch out this Yuletide for the launch of the Putin Advent Calendar.  When you open a window, an oligarch falls out!

                                 

As I was driving up Scropton Street late last night, I spotted Non-Stick Nora standing in a bus shelter with a bag of chips in her hand and her knickers were around her ankles.  I stopped the car and shouted: “Nora!  Your kex are round your ankles.”   She looked at me with a saturnine grimace and exclaimed: “Has he gone?”

 

I used to be a fortune teller. I wasn’t very good at it though. I could only foretell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

 

The missus was somewhat inflamed and effervescent when I returned home last week. She told me in a sultry voice that she was going upstairs and intended to put a little black lace number on. I followed her up to the bedroom and she was playing Agadoo on the radiogram! I did leave her breathless in bed though. I hid her inhaler!

 

Barmy Albert sez he likes Benidorm because they have bodega’s and taverna’s with tables and chairs outside on the pavement.  They have that In Gorton too.  It’s called eviction…

 

I went to the doctors and told him that I was addicted to The Wizard of Oz. He asked me why was I infatuated with The Wizard of Oz in particular? I replied: “Because, Because, Because!”

 

Fascinating Fact:  Did you know that Bob The Builder, Nellie The Elephant and Jack The Ripper all share the same middle name…

                                    

The missus reckons that I'm very immature and sez we should set some time aside to discuss the matter. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

 

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

As I was driving home last night, I spotted a group of folks on all fours in the central reservation who appeared to be eating grass.  I stopped the car and asked what was going on.  The bloke told me that they were immigrants who had come over from Calais and rather than go on the Bibby Stockholm migrant barge or to Rwanda, they had decided to fend for themselves. They had no money or resources and therefore were forced to eat grass. There was this middle-aged Albanian bloke and his  three younger brothers.    I was utterly astounded at their predicament and told them to get into my car, because I intended to take them all to my house.  I’d only travelled about 500 yards when I spied another group of people on their hands and knees eating grass.  I asked the bloke if he knew who they were.  He told me in broken English that they were other male members of his Albanian family who were also destitute and forced to eat grass.   He asked me if I could pick up these other members of his family and take them all to my house.  It was then that I got quite annoyed and said to him “Hang on a minute! How big do you think my lawn is?”

 

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