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Monday 11 September 2023

The ADHD Television....


Last week, I got told off by a copper for doing 40 in a 30mph zone.  Now they've sent me a letter saying "Speeding Fine".  I just wish they'd make up their minds.

Barmy Albert goes into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House and orders a tankard of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. After every slurp, he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the fourth beer, Dastardly Dave, the landlord asks him why after every pot of ale he pulls the picture out and stares at it?  Albert replies: “It's a picture of Non-Stick Nora. When she looks good to me, I'm going home.”

I've bought an ADHD Television. I can't watch it for very long. Another thing that I bought was a new book - Dealing with Kleptomania!  Well, I say bought…


Breaking news: I’ve just heard on the grapevine that after a two hour car chase, the Paparazzi have managed to shake off Megan and Harry!


Five surgeons are being interviewed for an article in The Lancet. The journalist was asking them who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, sez: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Tory Cabinet Ministers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine. Moreover, the head and the arse are interchangeable!


A further unusual manifestation in this freak September heatwave is the abundance of ‘daddy long-legs’ (or crane fly or Tipula paludosa even!) that aimlessly coast into windowpanes, they can’t really fly, they just hover about, nonchalantly engaging in an aloof stance, seemingly possessing no sense of direction whatsoever. Are they students on a gap year?  I find their presence quite disconcerting, especially when partaking in bottoming the skirting boards in the kitchenette. So, last night, I could put up with them no more and decided to eradicate a whole bunch of these annoying creatures.  The vacuum cleaner seemed the most perfect weapon to deploy. There I was stealthily stalking around the house with the Dyson at full power, searching for crane flies.  I had decided that there would be a total zero tolerance policy with regard to these uninvited pests.  None would survive on my watch.  The wife (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) looked at me with disdain.  "What are you doing?" She enquired.  "Chasing daddy long-legs,” I retorted. "Oh! Have you caught any?" She asked.   "Yep, three males and four females,” I replied.   Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" "Three were on a whisky bottle, four were on the phone." I responded.


Tommy Grabknuckle is 80 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That’s it!” he tells his wife. Elsie.  "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad…. once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went." Elsie sympathises, and pours him a nice mug of Sanatogen.  As they sit down she sez, "Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?" "That’s no good,” sighs Tommy. "Your brother is 89. He can’t help."  "He may be 89", exclaims Elsie, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Tommy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course, I did!" "Where did it go?" asks Tommy. "I can’t remember." He replied.


Wan Hung Lo calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. my back legs gone, I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."   The boss says, "You know Wan Hung Lo, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go my wife and tell her give me make love. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Low calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house – it very rubbery!"


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