The Bank Holiday Shenanigans....

                                    

Another bank holiday weekend! 'The Missus wanted a trip out, (I call her "Viking", because she has a face like a Norse!) and on that basis we proceeded to the Mottram Horse and Dog show. What a brilliant day! They had horse trials which ended with five of the horses being found guilty, another great feature was an "Unusual Pet Competition". A fella with a tin of salmon won it.

 

They held a car boot sale up Scropton Street back snicket over the August Bank Holiday Weekend and I bought a Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's genuine because it's got a bit of veneer missing.

 

Manchester City signed Belgian winger Jeremy Doku from French club Rennes on a five-year deal last month. His wife Sue is a bit of a puzzle though….

 

I don’t believe that Christmas stuff is in the shops already!  Watch out this Yuletide for the launch of the Putin Advent Calendar.  When you open a window, an oligarch falls out!

                                 

As I was driving up Scropton Street late last night, I spotted Non-Stick Nora standing in a bus shelter with a bag of chips in her hand and her knickers were around her ankles.  I stopped the car and shouted: “Nora!  Your kex are round your ankles.”   She looked at me with a saturnine grimace and exclaimed: “Has he gone?”

 

I used to be a fortune teller. I wasn’t very good at it though. I could only foretell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

 

The missus was somewhat inflamed and effervescent when I returned home last week. She told me in a sultry voice that she was going upstairs and intended to put a little black lace number on. I followed her up to the bedroom and she was playing Agadoo on the radiogram! I did leave her breathless in bed though. I hid her inhaler!

 

Barmy Albert sez he likes Benidorm because they have bodega’s and taverna’s with tables and chairs outside on the pavement.  They have that In Gorton too.  It’s called eviction…

 

I went to the doctors and told him that I was addicted to The Wizard of Oz. He asked me why was I infatuated with The Wizard of Oz in particular? I replied: “Because, Because, Because!”

 

Fascinating Fact:  Did you know that Bob The Builder, Nellie The Elephant and Jack The Ripper all share the same middle name…

                                    

The missus reckons that I'm very immature and sez we should set some time aside to discuss the matter. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

 

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

As I was driving home last night, I spotted a group of folks on all fours in the central reservation who appeared to be eating grass.  I stopped the car and asked what was going on.  The bloke told me that they were immigrants who had come over from Calais and rather than go on the Bibby Stockholm migrant barge or to Rwanda, they had decided to fend for themselves. They had no money or resources and therefore were forced to eat grass. There was this middle-aged Albanian bloke and his  three younger brothers.    I was utterly astounded at their predicament and told them to get into my car, because I intended to take them all to my house.  I’d only travelled about 500 yards when I spied another group of people on their hands and knees eating grass.  I asked the bloke if he knew who they were.  He told me in broken English that they were other male members of his Albanian family who were also destitute and forced to eat grass.   He asked me if I could pick up these other members of his family and take them all to my house.  It was then that I got quite annoyed and said to him “Hang on a minute! How big do you think my lawn is?”

 

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