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Saturday, 16 September 2023

The Stars & Stripes....


The missus curtly informed me that there was a bloke knocking on our front door with a beard. I sez: “No wonder we didn’t hear him!”  Anyway, I went to the door and the bearded bloke told me that he was from Everest.  I sez: “Come in.  You must be freezing cold!”  He then replied: “No.  I’m from Everest Double Glazing.” I told him that we already had it installed. He exclaimed: “That’s why I’m here.  You haven’t made a payment for a whole year!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez: “Yeah.  But you told me that it would pay for itself within a year!”

Ethel Scroggins decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Aldi. “Aldi?” the lawyer exclaimed. “Why Aldi?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week “

On the home improvement front, I’ve just had a state-of-the-art electronic garage door installed. It’s voice controlled and opens when it hears the wife’s voice. To be honest, I haven’t seen it shut yet…

Since Buzz Aldrin planted the Stars & Stripes on the moon, solar radiation over the years has bleached those flags pure white. So, if anyone went to the moon now, they’d think that the French got there first!

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora drove down The Snake Pass in their Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Trans-Am for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, Nora asked sarcastically:  "Relatives of yours?"  "Yep," Albert replied, "in-laws."


Thursday Quiz:-   Which Icelandic singer is named after a city in England? Is it:

A. Norwich.

B. York.

C. Doncaster.


I changed the ringtone on my iPhone alarm to the Hokey-Cokey last week.  It was a big mistake. It took me thirty minutes to get out of bed the following morning!


 Fascinating Fact:  If you were born the year that the hit song Red, Red Wine came out, then UB40.


When I went to Gibraltar in August, the flight was incredible.  The captain’s voice was heard over the tannoy announcing garbled messages such as " Spring bank holiday,  Trinity Sunday,  Easter Monday".  All my fellow passengers found these incomprehensible announcements quite disconcerting. I attracted the attention of the stewardess in an attempt to clarify the matter.  I said to her " Go and tell the captain that the word he is searching for is Mayday."


Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.  As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38! Turn from your sin!"  The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then Elsie immediately called the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."   "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"


Chester Draws, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get his annual medical examination.  A few days later, the doctor saw Chester walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm .  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Chester and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"  Chester replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."  The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur – be careful."


In the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, Barmy Albert hoisted his beer and said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told Non-Stick Nora, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night" She said, "Aye, did you now? And what was your toast?" Albert said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Albert!" Nora said.
The next day, Nora ran into one of Alberts drinking buddies up Scropton Street back snicket. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Albert won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Nora." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

One dismal rainy night, a Manchester taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down Deansgate. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a shadowy figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Piccadilly Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

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