To the person who stole my Scalextric....

                                           

I walked out on to the stage last weekend and there was only one bloke sat in the audience! I sez: “Well I’m here and you’re here, so I’ll perform my whole international cabaret act, especially for you!”  He replied: “Well get a move on.  I want to lock up!”

 

The night before was even worse!  I sauntered out onto the stage area and there was one couple sat at the front.  I just happened to ask: “Are you married?”  She replied: “I’m his second wife.” I don’t know what possessed me, but I sez: “You wouldn’t be my first choice….”  Well, it went down like a Russell Brand Kissogram! I made my excuses and left….

To the person who stole my Scalextric.  What goes around….

If perchance, you have a Sat Nav in your car that you can change the voice on, lots of folk tend to download a pop icon or Hollywood star that they are a fan of.  Whatever you do, do not under any circumstances use Bono from U2. I did this last week and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.  Moreover, after that unfortunate farrago, I then installed the voice of Bonnie Tyler.  Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart!

Barmy Albert returns home from work one night to discover that Non-Stick Nora is missing. He spends the next two days looking all round Scropton Street for her, only to come home on the second night and find Nora sitting in the kitchenette, eating a plate of corned beef hash      "You’re alive!" he cries. "Where have you been all this time?" " Nora sez: These four blokes kidnapped me and made mad passionate love with me for a week!" she replies. Albert exclaimed: "But you’ve only been gone two days?" Nora replied: "Yeah, I’m just here to get summat to eat, then I have to go back".

                                             

Two lawyers wandered into The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife pub and ordered two soft drinks. They then produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to scoff them. Dastardly Denis, the landlord  became incandescent with rage and marched over and told them straight: "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!" The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse are just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob sez:, “I think I’m gonna divorce the missus. She hasn’t spoken to me in over two months”. Paul continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully replied: “You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find!”

 

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that they’ve built a Disney World in Tokyo. The only place in the whole world where everyone is too small to go on the rides!

 

I met an American guy in Manchester. He sez: “Hey boy, you see that building over there, back in the States, we got buildings a hundred times bigger!” I replied: “I’m not surprised. It’s a lunatic asylum.”

 

While at church attending Sunday services, Elsie and Tommy Grabknuckle had the following whispered conversation. "I just silently broke wind, what do you think I should do?" asked Elsie.  Tommy replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."

 

Why are married women heavier than single women? It’s quite simple really, let me explain: A single woman will return home, see what’s in the fridge, if there’s nothing there that she fancies, then she’ll go to bed. A married woman will come home, see what’s in the bed and go straight to the fridge.