The cost-of-living crisis is real! British people don’t actually recover financially anymore. Your income goes into the bank and immediately gets divvied up like a drug cartel payout. Mortgage takes half. Council tax, electricity, gas and water take the rest. Then Tesco somehow charges you eighty-eight quid for what appears to be a leg of mince, a jar of pickled herrings, a lump of scrag end and untold emotional damage. By the third week of the month, you’re sauntering around Lidl whispering: “Do I really need Fairy Liquid or should I start using paper plates and plastic cutlery? Nothing humbles you quicker than after one ‘quick trip’ to B & M. You walk in for four AA batteries and come out £46 poorer, carrying a bamboo bath tray, 14 snacks you’ve never heard of, a lava lamp, patio citronella candles (despite not owning a patio) and a Japanese ornamental Aspidistra shaped like a rugby ball. I also bought some essential oils. I’m wondering how I got through life before I started using them if they're so essential. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
Busy week last week! Ever since joining the Glen Campbell fan club, I keep getting cards and letters from people I don’t even know. Moreover, I had to see my accountant yesterday. His office is on the 7th floor. I asked the receptionist if there was a lift, and she said, “We call it an elevator where I come from.” I reckon we were just raised differently.
Barmy Albert’s mum always told him to be a gentleman and give up his seat on the bus to a blind man. Yesterday, he lost his job as a bus driver.
Many moons ago, when I had my own flat, I remember taking this young lady back one night. Fast forward to the following month, as another girl and I lay on the bed, a mysterious voice announced: “She’s a stone lighter than the last one you brought home!” The girl asked me, “Who the flaming hell was that?” I replied: “It’s the memory foam mattress!” Curses! Foiled again!
Non-Stick Nora attended an auction where she spotted an exotic parrot. She really wanted this magnificent bird, so she got caught up in the bidding. Unfortunately, she kept getting outbid, and the price kept rising, leaving her more tenacious with each bid. Finally, after bidding much more than she had intended, she won the auction. The parrot was hers! As she was paying for the parrot, she told the auctioneer, “I sincerely hope that this parrot isn’t defective. I’d hate to fork out so much money, only to get home and discover that he can’t talk!” “Of course he can talk,” replied the auctioneer. “Who do you think kept outbidding you?”
Yesterday, a strange woman (She had a face like a Chihuahua, chewing a wasp) approached me near the Scropton Street Abbatoir, and declared that she knew me from the Vegetarian group. I’d swear that I’d never seen Herbivore….
Barmy Albert was struggling with his accounts, where he had to separate the VAT from the gross amount. He called Non-Stick Nora and sez to her: “You’re good at maths, so maybe you could help me with this. If I were to give you £300 minus 20%, how much would you take off?” Nora replied: “Everything but my earrings!” Is she a temptress or a Jezebel?
The missus asked me to take her to see Pirates of the Caribbean. However, dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t quite what she expected. That’s when the fight started!
