Non-Stick Nora was shopping up Scropton Street Precinct and spotted octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle visibly upset and weeping outside the haberdashery, so she approached her to see what the matter was. Nora says: “Are you alright, Elsie. You look a tad crestfallen?” She sobbed and replied: “No, my best friend Cynthia passed away yesterday while we were at the MECCA Bingo Hall.” Nora opined: “I’m so sorry to hear that you must have been close? Elsie replied tearfully, “Yes, we were very close. She needed number 37, and I was sweating on number 82 for the full house!”
Many moons ago, I recollect chatting to a lovely young lady in a hotel bar, and we became quite friendly. I asked her back to my room for an evening of unbridled passion, and I drank vintage Champagne out of her shoes. I was paralytic drunk for the next two days. She was wearing wellies.
It’s 2:00 am, and Barmy Albert is stopped by the traffic police driving a golf buggy and buzzing down the hard shoulder of M67. Albert is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, and flip-flops.
The efficient policeman walks up and asks, "Alright, buddy, where are you heading in a golf buggy at this ungodly hour?” With a forlorn frown, Albert looks him in the eye and explains: "Officer, I am currently en route to a mandatory, high-intensity seminar on chronic alcohol abuse, the respiratory dangers of chain-smoking cigars, and the psychological toll of staying out late at the clubhouse." The copper looks around the empty motorway and asks: "Seriously? Who the hell is giving a lecture on that at two in the morning in this neck of the woods?" Barmy Albert sighs and replies: "That would be my wife!”
Fascinating Fact: AI won’t replace people. Folks who understand how to use AI will replace people, until AI replaces them too. Furthermore, AI will never replace natural stupidity.
I came home from my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and my wife sat me down for a serious discussion about our marriage. She gazed at me with much disdain and opined: “We’re at a crossroads in our relationship.” She continued: “One road will lead to hard work and total commitment, whereas the other is a dead end.” I replied: “That’s not a crossroads. That is a T-Junction.” That’s when the fight started!
I remember reading a paragraph in the Tameside Reporter a few years ago. It was a wonderful use of the word 'suspected'. It read: "A man was arrested on Market Street, Stalybridge, yesterday. He was suspected of robbing a launderette on Market Street. He was wearing 13 jumpers, some of which were still damp.”
Fascinating Fact: I can't get 10CC’s hit song "I'm Not in Love" out of my head! It's probably just a silly phase I'm going through. Moreover, I tried Gary Barlow’s new wine range last night and got really drunk. Can’t remember much of the evening, but just want to say that whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.
Top Tip: You should always agree to a quick half-hour beer with friends, because that impromptu hour and three-quarters could turn out to be the best five hours of your entire life!
It’s difficult to believe that exactly twenty-five years ago today, will mark the day that I asked my girlfriend, soulmate and the love of my life to marry me. It’s even harder for me to believe that all three said no…
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