There is something quite quirky and idiosyncratic about a middle-class British couple going for an afternoon sail and almost starting a war with Russia. It's very much like an Ealing comedy.
I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon, but they didn’t arrive, so I called Customer Services, and they told me that they’re dealing with it!
Non-Stick Nora has reached the unfortunate conclusion that her body is no longer a temple. It’s now more of a bouncy castle, which means anyone can have a go as long as they’ve got a quid and remove their shoes first. Yesterday, she told Barmy Albert that he’s not the most idiotic person in all the world, but he’d better hope the most idiotic person doesn’t die.”
Last week, Non-stick Nora’s dog died. In a futile effort to cheer her up, Barmy Albert bought her an identical one. Nora was livid and incandescent with rage! She screamed at Albert: “What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs!”
Fascinating Fact: Whenever I point the remote control directly at the telly, nothing happens. However, if I accidentally drop it between the sofa cushions, it switches from Netflix to Amazon Prime, opens six different apps, changes the subtitles to Japanese, and mysteriously starts playing Christmas carols!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and each orders a tankard of Farquharson's Auld and Filthy Ale. Now you can’t tell me that’s a coincidence! They were swiftly followed by a pessimist and an optimist. The pessimist declared: “Things can’t get any worse!” The optimist replied: “Oh yes, they can!” They were both right, and the pair of them went home sober…
Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle arrived home and was greeted by his wife, Elsie, who shouted: “What's going on? You have four penguins in the back seat of the car!” Tommy sez: “I know! When I stopped at the traffic lights in Stalybridge, they all jumped into the back seat, and now I don’t know what to do with them!” Elsie pondered this unusual situation and concluded: “You’ll have to take them to Chester Zoo.” Tommy thought it was an excellent idea and set off towards Chester. Later that day, Tommy returned with the same four penguins, only now, they’ve all got buckets and spades. Elsie asked: “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?” Tommy answered: “I did. We had a fantastic time, so now we’re going to Blackpool beach!”
Young Woody Eckerslyke had a job interview and got into the lift at Scropton Street Skyscraper and went up to the 15th floor. As he was getting out, the lift operator said: “Have a good day, son.” Woody replied: “Don’t call me son. You are not my father.” The lift attendant says: “No. But I brought you up, didn’t I?” After his interview, Woody got back in the lift, and the same attendant was there. They descended in an awkward silence. Upon reaching the ground floor, the attendant confessed: “I’m sorry.” Woody answered: “Because you thought you were my dad?” The attendant shook his head and replied: “No, son. It’s because I let you down…” This joke is wrong on so many levels.
We all make terrible mistakes as we weave a weary course through life’s rich tapestry. Last night, I slept with my best friend's wife, and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or summat.
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