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Thursday 26 January 2023

Necessity is the mother of invention...

                                     





Barmy Albert was languishing at the bar in his local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when Dastardly Dennis, the barkeep sidled up and sez: “I see that you have an empty glass. Would you like another?” Albert gazed at him, with a saturnine grimace and replied: “Now what would I want with two empty glasses?” That’s when the fight started!

                                       

When the alarm sounded off and many klaxons reverberated, Non-Stick Nora was apprehended by the security bloke at Tesco. Upon conducting a thorough search, he discovered a leg of lamb concealed beneath her plaid gansy. He asked her: “Now what are you doing with this?” Nora replied: “Well, I thought that some mashed potatoes, broccoli and carrots and swede would be nice!” The security bloke chortled and bid her good day.


                                                   


A woman with a face like a careless beekeeper sat next to me on the train yesterday morning. She asked me if I had any pets. I sez: “Yes, I've got a goldfish.” “Any hobbies?” I replied: “Yeah, it swims a lot.”



Thought for Thursday:  They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day, and then just re-release the original filum. It’d be hilarious!

                                      



When my Nanna developed jaundice, her countenance turned a yellow ochre shade and we just called her Bananna.  It was a similar situation when my mate Sid had his I.D. stolen. We just call him ‘S’ nowadays. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                



During the protracted and somewhat arduous Covid lockdown farrago, sheer boredom activated my thought processes and I became quite inventive. I dreamed up the concept of 6ft long Christmas Crackers in order to encourage and facilitate social distancing at family Yuletide gatherings. Gifts inside the crackers were hand sanitizer, face masks & vaccines. I sold them in the local pound shop. Astra Zeneca were two quid each or three for a Pfizer. I didn’t put a Covid joke in the crackers because 98% of folk wouldn’t have got it. I received much coveted recognition for my efforts from our (then) prime minister Boris Johnson, who sent me an award of a suitcase full of booze. Unfortunately, all the bottles were empty. He also sent me an autographed photo of himself that I have pinned up on my study wall. It's quite a captivating picture. The lies follow you round the room….

                                             

  

I managed to get on Dragons Den with some of my other brainwaves. Of course, necessity is the mother of invention. When you’re caravanning or camping, then space is at an absolute premium, so I created a folding bottle that I called a ‘Fottle’ and Duncan Bannatyne said it was a rubbish concept. Unfazed, I pressed on, informing him, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a “Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. Feeling thoroughly dejected, I left the Dragons Den and I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...
 

I bought a couple of books from Waterstones, last week. The first tome was called ‘101 uses for WD-40.’ I discovered it in the non-friction section. Apparently, according to this book, the only tools you need in your DIY arsenal is Gaffa tape and WD-40. For instance, If summat dosen’t move and it should, then apply the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, then use Gaffa tape. The second novella is called: ‘Childish Retorts’ by Euan Hoozami. 


I visited The Trafford Centre and they had an ABBA tribute band on.  They were so loud, you could hear the drums from Nando's!  You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can with a tribute band. Chicken Tikka's all round!

                                           

                            

I simply adore that nice warm feeling you get when putting on fresh underwear straight from the tumble drier. Moreover, I also enjoy looking around the launderette wondering just who these skimpy garments belong to.

                                      



Fascinating Fact: They reckon that when you lose one sense, then your other senses are enhanced. That’s why folk with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.


Don't try to change yourself with New Year resolutions. Just accept the fact that you're a lollygagging wastrel and move on to the next disaster. You can visit my website though. Just clickety-click on www.comedianuk.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and have a chortle at all the hilarious gubbins featured there! You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                             





Friday 20 January 2023

The Voodoo gubbins...

                                          

                                       



This is Motown weather, it’s minus Three Degrees, Four Tops. Even the cows in the field are absolutely frozen solid. They are all Fresian. I read all this in a book by Thora Hird.



Everton have just signed three strikers. A postman, a train driver and a nurse.



Can you imagine what your kids will think of you, in a decades time, when they ask you what did you do personally to combat climate change and you tell ‘em: “I glued my face to the road!”



The missus shouted downstairs and asked me: “Have you ever had a sharp pain in your chest like someone has made a voodoo doll of you and is sticking pins in it?” I replied “No. I never have…”
She shouted “What about now?”

                                                          



I’m really grateful that I was taught how to play the recorder at school. It has become invaluable in my adult life. Indeed, I cannot recollect how many times I’ve been able to resolve a traumatic scenario with a quick blast of ‘Three Blind Mice’,



Yesterday afternoon, it cost me £35 for a taxi to the local launderette. I honestly felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners.



Non Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist and in a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. Visibly shaken, Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

                                   

  

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that 88% of electric cars are still on the road. The other 12% actually made it back home!

Judy and Tarquin got married and had 13 children. Then Tarquin died because he was short of breath. Judy married again and she and Everard had 7 more children. Everard was killed in a work accident, when he was clocking in. 12 years later. Once more, Judy remarried, and this time she and Peregrine had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children! Standing before her coffin, the pastor prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and sez: "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" Margaret replied: "I think he means her knees, Ethel..."

Top Tips: Never use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity…

Thursday Quote: “Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.” Leslie Nielsen.

Yesterday, we had our Christmas Dinner. To be honest, I don't think these slow cookers are as good as some folk make out.

                                                          



How do you know if someone has an air fryer? Don’t worry. They’ll tell you!



I went round to see Barmy Albert and he had a note pinned to his front door that bore the legend ‘Beware of the budgerigar.’ I asked him how that would deter burglars. He replied: “It whistles the rottweiler!”



I asked my daughter to check her attitude and she gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and sez: ”For complaints regarding attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”



                                              


 



I was talking to this girl backstage at a club. She informed me people called her Vivaldi. I asked her: “Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She replied: “No, not at all, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi." Last time I was in Aldi they must’ve closed early for staff training or summat. They announced over the tannoy: “We are closing till three.”



Q) How do you stop a Russian tank? A) Shoot the Russian soldiers who are pushing it.

Friday 13 January 2023

The Dry January...

 

                                     





I bought Harry’s new book. It’s cost me £14 and it’s called ‘Spare.’ What a load of rubbish. I thought it was about tyres!

I decided on having a Dry January. So, I’ve purchased six cases of Sauvignon Blanc. Mind you, what with both the nurses and the ambulance drivers on strike, we could well end up having a Die January!

I was stricken with that awful bug that has been going around over this bleak midwinter. I think I caught it off my Croatian neighbour. His name is Tikli Chestikov. First, I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. It was then I knew that I had contracted some manner of chess infection. Even as I write this column, the malady lingers on.

I went to see my doctor and told him about my coughing and spluttering and he sez: “You’ve not started smoking again have you?” I told him “Definitely not!” He replied: “That’s a shame. I’m selling 400 Lambert and Butler for sixty quid…”

I saw Barmy Albert in the doctor’s waiting room. He curtly informed me that that he had the worst case of haemorrhoids that the doctor had ever seen in 40 years of being a GP. I asked him if that was why he was sat on a bean bag. Albert gazed at me, with eyes like burning embers and replied: “Have another look....”

Non-Stick Nora sympathises with Barmy Albert. She told me that Albert phoned the Suppository Helpline and she sez: “They were so rude!”

                                         

 

Still on the subject of GP’s: After an examination, the doctor said to Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' Replied Tommy. "After my wife and I have made love, I'm usually freezing cold and chilly and then, after we do it the second time, I'm usually very hot and sweating like a scouser at the Job Centre." When the doctor examined his elderly wife Elsie later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' Elsie Grabknuckle replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after making love with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?' "Oh, that crazy old fool!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
                                                  

                      

Not many people know this, but I’m very good in the bedroom department. Fifteen years, I worked at IKEA. Moreover, the missus was becoming inflamed and effervescent and informed me that she wanted to play some sexy games in the bedroom, in order to spice up our love life. When I asked her what kind of games she wanted to participate in, she sez: “Let’s play Doctors and Nurses!.” So, I put her on a trolley and left her in the corridor for 48 hours.

Last weekend, a bloke came off his moped right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around his prostate form, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No! He’s got my pizza!”

                                             

In 2023, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!

Sunday 8 January 2023

The Lollygagging Wastrel...

                          


Rishi Sunak wants kids to learn maths until they're 18. We currently learn everything by 16, so I'm not sure what that extra 4 years achieve. Moreover, why does the number seven contain the word ‘even’? When I attended school, I was rubbish at spelling, but I was brilliant at maffs and jograffy.
 
I’ve just seen a job advertised for a sandwich maker in our local Greggs. When I rang them, they told me the roll had already been filled!



My New Year ‘s resolution is going very well. I’ve had no chocolate whatsoever. I’m not even thinking about it. The word is not even in my vocadbury!





Barmy Albert was in his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 x 3 Trans Am, stationary at Denton Rock on the M67 motorway with Non-Stick Nora, when suddenly she piped up, "I reckon that those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that?" he asked. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it sez: “sboob ruoy su wohs". Nora was an open book. Albert was illiterate…



Fascinating Facts: If perchance, Benny and Bjorn had been called Steve and Dave, then the band would have been called ASDA.



I walked into a bookshop today and asked, "Do you have any books on 'How to stop impulse buying'?" "Yes, we do." "Excellent. I'll take seventeen copies please."







After Christmas, things are generally quiet and it's a slow day in a High Peak country village and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. The trains are on strike, so are the Royal Mail and NHS nurses and doctors. Life is grim. Meanwhile, Tommy Grabknuckle is visiting the area and drives through the village, stops at the local hotel, lays a £50 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier. The guy at the supplier is suffering from sciatica, so takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local chiropractor who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her treatment on credit. Now, the chiropractor rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so Tommy Grabknuckle will not suspect anything. At that precise moment when Tommy comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the £50 note and leaves. No one produced anything and no one earned anything! However, the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a fake atmosphere of optimism and glee! And that, my friends, is how this Tory government works!

Don't try to change yourself with New Year resolutions. Just accept the fact that you're a lollygagging wastrel and move on to the next disaster. You can visit my website though. Just clickety-click on www.comedianuk.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and have a chortle at all the hilarious gubbins featured there! You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                        


Sunday 1 January 2023

Happy New Year 2023!

 

                                       



Happy New Year folks! If it wasn’t for all our bad habits, we wouldn’t have to make any New Year resolutions! However, my ultimate ambition in 2023 is to accomplish all the goals that I set myself in 2022, which I really should have completed in 2020 but got waylaid, primarily because I made a promise in 2019 to sort all this gubbins out.



Twelve Reasons That the New Year Party Is Over:

1) You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2) Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3) You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

4) You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

5) You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

6) You hear someone shout: "Call a priest!"

7) You hear a duck quacking and it's you!

8) You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the wardrobe.

9) You refill your glass from the fish tank.

10) You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.

11) You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

12) You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realise you're in front of the hall mirror.

                              




I spotted Barmy Albert going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet. I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”



Talk about social clubs being empty! I did a gig on New Year’s Eve and when I lurched onto the stage from the dressing cupboard, I discovered that there was only one bloke sat in the audience! I sez to him: “Well, I’m here and you’re here, so I’ll do my whole international cabaret act, just for you.” He replied: “Well, get a move on, I wanna lock up!”



To add insult to injury, when I got home from the aforementioned gig, there was a note on the fridge door, which read: 'I’ve packed my bags and I'm going to my mother's for New Year - It's not working.' I opened the fridge and got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection!



"PelĂ© was one of the few who contradicted my theory: instead of 15 minutes of fame, he will have 15 centuries" – Andy Warhol.

                                               



Can I advise all my friends who I gave the present of a book for Christmas that they need returning to the library by the end of next week.



It was the Boxing Day sales, when a copper stopped a Scouser coming out of Curry’s PC World. “I have reason to believe that you have been shoplifting, so I’m going to perform a search. Now tell me, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?” The Scouser replied, “No, officer. Only Sony and Panasonic!”



Fascinating Fact: If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “Carol Singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing nowt but a mankini, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”

 

It used to be our Christmas tradition for the whole family to go down to our local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, then come home after a few sherbets and deck the Halls. To be honest I’m surprised the Halls carried on living next door to us as long as they did!

 

       In 2023, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!