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Friday 20 January 2023

The Voodoo gubbins...



This is Motown weather, it’s minus Three Degrees, Four Tops. Even the cows in the field are absolutely frozen solid. They are all Fresian. I read all this in a book by Thora Hird.

Everton have just signed three strikers. A postman, a train driver and a nurse.

Can you imagine what your kids will think of you, in a decades time, when they ask you what did you do personally to combat climate change and you tell ‘em: “I glued my face to the road!”

The missus shouted downstairs and asked me: “Have you ever had a sharp pain in your chest like someone has made a voodoo doll of you and is sticking pins in it?” I replied “No. I never have…”
She shouted “What about now?”


I’m really grateful that I was taught how to play the recorder at school. It has become invaluable in my adult life. Indeed, I cannot recollect how many times I’ve been able to resolve a traumatic scenario with a quick blast of ‘Three Blind Mice’,

Yesterday afternoon, it cost me £35 for a taxi to the local launderette. I honestly felt like I’d been taken to the cleaners.

Non Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist and in a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. Visibly shaken, Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



Fascinating Fact: Did you know that 88% of electric cars are still on the road. The other 12% actually made it back home!

Judy and Tarquin got married and had 13 children. Then Tarquin died because he was short of breath. Judy married again and she and Everard had 7 more children. Everard was killed in a work accident, when he was clocking in. 12 years later. Once more, Judy remarried, and this time she and Peregrine had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children! Standing before her coffin, the pastor prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and sez: "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" Margaret replied: "I think he means her knees, Ethel..."

Top Tips: Never use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity…

Thursday Quote: “Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.” Leslie Nielsen.

Yesterday, we had our Christmas Dinner. To be honest, I don't think these slow cookers are as good as some folk make out.


How do you know if someone has an air fryer? Don’t worry. They’ll tell you!

I went round to see Barmy Albert and he had a note pinned to his front door that bore the legend ‘Beware of the budgerigar.’ I asked him how that would deter burglars. He replied: “It whistles the rottweiler!”

I asked my daughter to check her attitude and she gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and sez: ”For complaints regarding attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”



I was talking to this girl backstage at a club. She informed me people called her Vivaldi. I asked her: “Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She replied: “No, not at all, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi." Last time I was in Aldi they must’ve closed early for staff training or summat. They announced over the tannoy: “We are closing till three.”

Q) How do you stop a Russian tank? A) Shoot the Russian soldiers who are pushing it.

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