Happy New Year folks! If it wasn’t for all our bad habits, we wouldn’t have to make any New Year resolutions! However, my ultimate ambition in 2023 is to accomplish all the goals that I set myself in 2022, which I really should have completed in 2020 but got waylaid, primarily because I made a promise in 2019 to sort all this gubbins out.
Twelve Reasons That the New Year Party Is Over:
1) You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2) Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3) You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
4) You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
5) You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
6) You hear someone shout: "Call a priest!"
7) You hear a duck quacking and it's you!
8) You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the wardrobe.
9) You refill your glass from the fish tank.
10) You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.
11) You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
12) You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realise you're in front of the hall mirror.
I spotted Barmy Albert going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet. I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”
Talk about social clubs being empty! I did a gig on New Year’s Eve and when I lurched onto the stage from the dressing cupboard, I discovered that there was only one bloke sat in the audience! I sez to him: “Well, I’m here and you’re here, so I’ll do my whole international cabaret act, just for you.” He replied: “Well, get a move on, I wanna lock up!”
To add insult to injury, when I got home from the aforementioned gig, there was a note on the fridge door, which read: 'I’ve packed my bags and I'm going to my mother's for New Year - It's not working.' I opened the fridge and got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection!
"Pelé was one of the few who contradicted my theory: instead of 15 minutes of fame, he will have 15 centuries" – Andy Warhol.
Can I advise all my friends who I gave the present of a book for Christmas that they need returning to the library by the end of next week.
It was the Boxing Day sales, when a copper stopped a Scouser coming out of Curry’s PC World. “I have reason to believe that you have been shoplifting, so I’m going to perform a search. Now tell me, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?” The Scouser replied, “No, officer. Only Sony and Panasonic!”
Fascinating Fact: If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “Carol Singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing nowt but a mankini, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”
It used to be our Christmas tradition for the whole family to go down to our local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, then come home after a few sherbets and deck the Halls. To be honest I’m surprised the Halls carried on living next door to us as long as they did!
In 2023, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and
those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will.
Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good
reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!