Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away for a month or so. This year, I shall be working on many different cruise liners around the Mediterranean. Then, copious exotic destinations beckon and in between these forays this summer as I will also be performing at the fantastic TUI Gold Hotels in Lanzarote, Cyprus, Costa del Sol, Menorca and Ibiza! These hotels are adults only. No kids! You’d think you’ve gone deaf!
I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....
After being married for many years, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" That’s when the fight started!
Young Willy Eckerslyke was compiling a thesis on childbirth and asks his parents; "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork delivered you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. Moreover, my grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I just called them Gran and Grandpapapapapapapa. Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!
I was at the airport, checking in at the Ryanair checking-in thingy, when the girl with the Thunderbirds hat on behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then?
The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with Elsie Grabknuckle and she asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”
Everything that I do, seems to go awry. I lent a mate of mine £10,000 to have plastic surgery and I don’t know what he looks like now!
I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose."
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org