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Thursday 31 July 2014

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
 A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (?) 

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
 A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his nappy and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

Wednesday 30 July 2014

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ....

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

a) Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
b) Nope, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to sleep with you but I hardly know you.
l) That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure its just because he knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge / pavement / skip.
o) I really believe in staying sober
p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my bare arse.
q) are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours.
r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities.
s) Im sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and walk all the way home.
t) A cocktail followed by 4 tequilas ....surely that would be no good for my insides.
u) Me? go for a pee in the men's toilet because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so.
v) I`ll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning.
w) Of course I'm happy to pay the boundary charge, driver.
x) There goes last orders, just make mine a Coca-Cola.
y) Flipping folly folly foxtrot heck.
z) Chip shop ? No thanks, I'm on a low fat diet.



Saturday 26 July 2014

The Newlyweds...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and have a few beers with 
all the boys. So, he said to his new wife: 'Darling, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,
Japan, India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the know...they
have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, poochie -pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors doeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips,


'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, you bastard? Drink your fucking beer in your
twatting frozen mug and eat your shitty snacks, because you are married now,

and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

so he stayed home............

........and, they lived happily ever after.


Wednesday 23 July 2014

The Homeless Guy...

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Albert would shout, "When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours hated the cantankerous Albert, however, he liked the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Nora's neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Non-Stick Nora replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down ... and I know for a fact that he won't ask for directions."

Yesterday morning, in Manchester city centre, I saw a homeless fella snoring his head off, inside a big cardboard box outside Piccadilly station. Not wishing to disturb his slumber, I crept over and carefully placed a large Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He awakened immediately and cheerily exclaimed, "Cheers mate, thank you very much." "No problem." I replied. He looked at me again and shouted, "Oi! It's empty!" I replied, "I know. It's supposed to be a chimney pot."

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in … What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a rise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a rise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten per cent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal. Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee: Oh, British Gas, United Utilities Water, Council Tax and the Halifax Mortgage Company!

Right. That's it! As from today, I've made the decision to quit being a pessimist. It would have never worked out in any event.

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email


Tuesday 22 July 2014

"7%" Written by Regina Brett.

"7%" Written by a 90 year old

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow..

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.

Sunday 20 July 2014

The British Empire....

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies that protocol
decrees (gin and tonic with cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said,
"You really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's
really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was shocked to see a
toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing
less than three feet tall.  He had a face like a bulldog licking piss from a thistle.
Moreover, he possessed a wooden leg, but had a real foot!

The retiring Colonel said "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal
in the middleweight division of the boxing Olympics. I have researched the
history of ... "

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the
new CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called that
Witch Doctor a twat!"


Wednesday 16 July 2014

The Plan....


1. In the beginning was the Plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions,
3. And the Assumptions were without form.
4. And the Plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
6. And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live
with the smell."
8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste and it is very
strong such that none may abide by it."
9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, it is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide
its strength."
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant
growth and it is very strong."
11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very
12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the
growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects."
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.
15. And this is how shit happens...


Monday 14 July 2014

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel:


"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I  moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. 

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.  

I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.  She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered, ""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock.

This novel is only for sale in Australia, Wales, Scotland and certain parts of Lancashire..


Sunday 13 July 2014

The Radical Surgery...


Just before Barmy Albert was put under, Dr Whet Faartz, the surgeon dropped in to see him .....

"I have some good news and some bad news," says, Dr Faartz. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cried Albert, "My golfing days are over! Please Dr Faartz, what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" replied Albert. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later Barmy Albert was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asked Dr. Whet Faartz.

"Just great," says the Albert. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"Not only that," Albert continued,  "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one small problem" exclaimed Albert.

"Every time I get a hard-on, I also get a migraine."


Thursday 10 July 2014

Some old men can still think fast....

A man in the Atherton Tablelands ( Northern Queensland ) had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and lychee trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'


The Trainee Corpses....

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home one evening. 
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting.

For five quid, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For a tenner, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your entire life."

The old lady still said nothing but, after a couple of minutes, started digging down in her purse.

She pulled out a wrinkled twenty quid note and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room ?" said the old man.

"Bollocks!," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair!!!"

The Golden Years...

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly, I realised that I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My missus has reprimanded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be nicked.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! Her theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call her "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard her voice. She barked,
 "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this copper that I have not stolen your bloody car."
This is what they call, "the Golden Years!"


Tuesday 8 July 2014


When someone else's shoe can screw up a family group picture.....

The executive officers of the Company were called in to the chairman’s office one by one until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to the young man and asked, “Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?”

“No, certainly not.”

“Are you absolutely sure?”, asked the chairman.

“Absolutely; I’ve never laid a finger on her.”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never slept with your secretary.”

“Good. Then you fire her.”


Sunday 6 July 2014

Rolf Harris Latest!

Last night, when the cell door slammed shut behind him, Rolf Harris put his head in his hands and began to sob uncontrollably. Suddenly, behind him, a voice started singing, "Do you think I would leave you crying, when there's room in my bunk for two - Climb up here Rolf, we'll soon be flying, when you touch my didgeridoo!"

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor.

He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and
my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to
let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
leave it on dere as long as you can."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided
splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on
their honeymoon to Duluth .

hat night in the Motel , Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said: "'re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena
... still in DA CRATE!"


Wednesday 2 July 2014

Remember Bob Hope? You'll enjoy this!


On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried and he said. "Surprise me."

I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and also didn't realize it has been 10 years since he died. Always enjoyed him, his movies, and his show. He touched a lot of lives during his life. Thought you might enjoy a bit of memory touching, so sent it along to you. Enjoy and recall a neat comedian.

Bob Hope in Heaven

"In GOD we trust"




'I still chase women, but only downhill.'

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.'

'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'


'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'


'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
Stuff the audience threw at me.'

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'