The trigonometry equation farrago....

                                        

Following the London and Manchester marathons last Sunday, I went for a jog, but came back home after a minute. The reason being, I’m morbidly obese and can’t run for more than a minute. It’s much better to try and run a half-marathon, rather than say “I gave up halfway through a marathon. Follow me every week for more fitness tips.

The missus arrived back from her driving test. "So" I asked excitedly, "how did you get on?" "Not good," she replied. "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad. What did he pull you up on?" "A rope" she replied. "The car's still in the river!"

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “You’re very good at mathematics aren’t you?” Albert replied: “I’m absolutely brilliant at sums and everything involving numbers and equations trigonometry.” Nora replied: “Right then, riddle me this. If I cut a cake into 3 equal pieces, each portion will be 0.333 of the main piece, do you agree?” Albert wholeheartedly concurred with this theory. Nora continued: “Right. If we multiply 3 x 0.333, we get 0.999. so, whatever happened to the 0.001?” Albert was totally perplexed and admitted that he didn’t know. Nora exclaimed: “You will find it on the knife!”

                                         

 

The most fascinating story about Non-Stick Nora was when she visited a casino in Manchester. She seemed a tad intoxicated and bet five thousand quid on a single roll of the dice. She sez to the dealer: “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel luckier when I’m totally naked!” With that, she disrobed all her clothes and shouted: “Come on, Dicey McDiceface, Nora needs some new clobber!” and rolled the dice. As the dice came to a stop, Nora jumped and screamed: “Yes! I won! I won!” She hugged each dealer, picked up her winnings and all her clothes and promptly left the premises. The dealers were totally gobsmacked and gazed at each other dumbfounded and bewildered at what had just happened. Finally, one of them asked: What number did she roll on the dice?” The other dealer sez: “I’ve no idea. I thought that you were watching!” The moral of the story is: Not all drunks are drunk. Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men….

                                     

  

Thought for Thursday: 90% of the things that I worry about, never happen. Worrying works!

Barmy Albert came home from work and found Nora on the porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going. She curtly informed him that she was off to Las Vegas. He questioned as to why. Nora replied: “I’ve just discovered that I can earn £500 per night, doing exactly what I do for you for free!” Albert thought for a moment and then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch. Nora asked him: “And just where do you think that you’re going?” Albert declared: “I’m coming with you!” “Why? Nora replied. Albert sez: “I want to see how you are going to live on £1,000 a year!”

BREAKING NEWS: A new airplane has been developed that cannot crash. It is to be manufactured from rubber polymers. It was invented by Boeing-Boeing-Boeing.

                         

 

Tommy Grabknuckle's son Alfie came and told him that he was thinking of getting married. Tommy told him to say “Sorry.” Alfie sez: “For what exactly?” Tommy repeated: “Just say sorry.” Alfie didn’t understand and opined: “What am I saying sorry for, dad? At least tell me the reason.” Tommy insisted that he first said “Sorry.” Alfie eventually gave in and announced: “Okay dad, I’m sorry.” Tommy then told him: “Now you are ready for marriage. Your training is complete. You’ve actually learned to say sorry, for no apparent reason whatsoever.”

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the showbiz community, namely The Pilsbury Dough Boy, who sadly passed away yesterday after suffering a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the abdominal area. He was 62. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Ken Dough-Nagasaki. Plus they had one in the oven. Service will be held next Friday at 3-50 for approximately 20 minutes. (Gas mark 7).

Fascinating Fact: Rich people have fancy labels on their designer clothes. Happy people have dog hair on them.

                

I’m a free spirit. I do free spirit gubbins. So please don’t look at me in a confused manner, just gaze at me in wonderment and then you too will draw massive inspiration from my profound eccentricity and emulate my loopiness in your everyday routine. Visit my website: www.comedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now, get back to work!

                               

 

The MUM-RUOK? App...

                                                    

Judges at the UK Supreme Court have unanimously ruled that a woman is defined by biological sex under equalities law. This ruling has confused my mate Dave, who has a Wigan address.

Barmy Albert has recently bought a new dog. He’s called it Fergie. It's quite a clever little canine. Whenever Manchester United lose, it lies down, when they draw it sits up! I had to ask him, "What does he do when they win?" He sez: : "Dunno. I’ve only had it for five weeks!"

Fifty year-old Chester Draws whole life fell apart when his missus left him. Apparently, she went out for a litre of milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping. He replied: “Luckily, I had a tin of that powdered stuff”. Anyway, in an effort to rekindle a fresh relationship, he had a blind date last week, but was most concerned what to do if she turned out to be some manner of harridan. I told him about this new app that you could download onto your phone, precisely for this type of situation. The app is called “MUM-RUOK?” and you set it to ring your phone just after you link up with your date. If you find her attractive, then you merely ignore your phone. However, if you decide to make a quick getaway, because she is a strumpet, then you answer the phone and say: “Mum. Are you okay? What’s the matter?” Then you make your excuses and employ your exit strategy. It works every time with no problems. As things would pan out, Chester had no worries whatsoever, because the girl was absolutely stunning and gorgeous. Just as he was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and sez: “Hello, mum. Are you okay? What’s the matter?”

My agent called me and I had to turn down the offer a gig last week in the Middle East. He wanted me to go to Riyadh, but I said no, no, no!”

Non-Stick Nora told me of a strange new trend at where she works. Apparently, people are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today she had a tuna sandwich called Sharon.

What with all the tariff kerfuffle that Twisted Firestarter Donald Trump has caused, King Charles has downgraded Trump's State Visit Dinner to brunch with Prince Andrew at Pizza Express in Woking Trump supporters don't care what the rest of the world thinks. That's because they don't know where the rest of the world is.

                               

  

Fascinating fact: The Flat Earth Society has members all over the globe.

How to deal with an unknown number ringing:

1. Pause drinking tea to exclaim: “Flamin’ Nora! Who could this be now?”

2. Watch phone intently, until it eventually stops ringing.

3. Google the number.

4. See “472 people have recently searched for this number. This number is primarily associated with scam activity. The overall user rating for this number is negative.”

5. Block the number.

6. Go back to drinking tea.

                                             

David Bowie often told the story about the joke he stole from John and played on his fans. Bowie explains that he was vacationing with John in Hong Kong when a young boy runs up to John and asks, “Are you John Lennon?’ And he said, ‘No but I wish I had his money.’ Which I promptly stole for myself. [imitating a fan] ‘Are you David Bowie?’ No, but I wish I had his money. It’s brilliant. The kid said, ‘Oh, sorry. Of course, you aren’t,’ and ran off. I thought, ‘This is the most effective device I’ve heard. Bowie used this technique throughout his life. He explains what happened a few months later “I was in New York and a voice pipes up in my ear, ‘Are you David Bowie?’ And I said, ‘No, but I wish I had his money.’ “You lying swine!. You wish you had my money.” It was John Lennon.



Whilst visiting North Wales yesterday, I only had one can of orange fizzy pop left so I had my last Tango in Powys.



As I get older, I’ve discovered that I only need three local shops to survive. They are Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. Nowadays, my life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls…



I took a long, hard look at myself this morning. I won't be doing that again. One minute you're young and carefree, and the next minute your idea of excitement is drinking your coffee while it's still hot. I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                              

                                                               

Take your pick, which one do you fancy?

                                  

                                    

The 237 bus was packed yesterday and there was a massive queue to board it. Suddenly, there was a ‘kerching’ on the pavement. One fella, however, bent down and picked summat up. He then asked, “Did anyone drop a two quid coin?” “I did,” answered five men in unison. “Well,” said the fella with a smile, “here’s two pence of it.” The moral of this story? If somebody ever says to you "it’s not the money, it’s the principle," then it’s definitely the money. Furthermore, the longer you wait in a queue the more likely it is to be the wrong queue.

Q) What is Man Utd goalkeeper André Onana’s favourite colour?

A) Indigo.



Who could it be? My top three assumptions whenever the doorbell rings are: 1) Mad axe murderer. 2) Jehovah’s Witnesses. 3) Amazon delivering that book I ordered about positive thinking.

 

Fascinating Fact: The EuroMillions lottery gives you a one in two hundred million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

                                 

 



Take your pick, which one do you fancy? You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Hobson’s Choice! If you want your significant other to listen and pay proper attention to every single word you utter, then you must talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. The wife (I call her ‘Viking’ – because she has a face like a Norse) isn’t speaking to me at the moment. This is all because I didn’t open the car door for her. Mind you, I panicked and swam to the surface! Then the other night I got home about 3 am, after a night out with the boys, and she started battering me about the head with a broom. I politely enquired, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?" Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever!

It’s so unfair! Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but a man’s best friend is his dog. Well now, its official! A dog is truly a man’s best friend! If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment: Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. After an hour, when you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

One day, Barmy Albert came home and was greeted by Non-Stick Nora dressed in a very sexy silk negligence. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything that you desire." So, Albert tied her up and went down to Wetherspoons.
                                            

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had to attend hospital recently. The consultant advised him after a thorough examination that he had “something very, very rare”. In a state of near panic, Tommy enquired: “What’s that then?” The consultant replied: “A bed.”

This strange fella was sitting inside my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife just staring intently at his drink. He stays like that, transfixed for over half-an-hour. Suddenly, this big trouble-making Scouse yobbo steps next to him takes the drink from the bloke and just guzzles it all down in one! The poor man starts crying. The yobbo sez: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man crying." "No, it’s not that,” says the geezer. "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I over slept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it had been stolen. The police said they could do nothing, so I got a cab to return home. After I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the taxi. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this pub. Then just when I was thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my glass of cyanide!"

“I beg you doctor!” I proclaimed, shaking my unresponsive grandfather. “He urgently requires your assistance!”. The physician took one look and solemnly declared: “It’s too late.” I sez to him: “What do you mean. It’s too late?” He glanced at his Rolex and told me: “My shift finishes in ten minutes and I’m off down the Lap Dancing Bar.”



Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you’re having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So, visit my website www.Comedian.ws and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Oh! And happy Easter to you!

                                            

The Trump tariff tale of tragedy...

                                                 

Trumps tariffs (another word for tax!) have spectacularly backfired. I spotted a bloke attempting to purchase a ”Make America Great Again.” baseball cap and when informed that it would cost a staggering two hundred dollars he refused to pay such an exorbitant price. Apparently, the reason for the high retail cost was that it was made in Taiwan!

My little dog Poppy is most concerned about these tariffs that Trump has imposed. Bonio biscuits have gone up a staggering 37p per box. That’s about eight quid in dog money!

The missus found out that I was cheating on her when she discovered all the letters that I was hiding. She was incandescent with rage and curtly informed me that she’s never going to play Scrabble with me ever again! The situation worsened when my little dog Poppy ate the rest of the Scrabble tiles. Her next poo could spell disaster…

Yesterday, I bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. It's absolutely brilliant! It comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.

Where I live, the walls are very thin. I can hear everything that the young couple say next door. Last night, he said to her: “Your eyes are beautiful, they should be gilded.” He then continued: “Your nose is beautiful, it should be gilded.” And finally: “Your lips are beautiful, they should be gilded.” I went round and knock on their door. He answered it and sez: “Who are you?” I replied: “I’m a gilder…”

                                       

 

This bloke walks across the road and gets flattened by a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry and then a red lorry. A policeman goes to his home, knocks on the door and the man’s wife answers it. The policeman looks at her and says: "There's no easy way to say this."

I asked Barmy Albert if Non=Stick Nora knew the coldest place in the United States. He replied: “I don't know – Alaska.”

This getting old is a terrible thing. I thought I’d blacked out for twenty minutes yesterday morning, then I realised I'd put my hoodie on back-to-front.

This new generation does not like working for a living. You could give them a job sleeping and they’d wake up a quit.

Top Tips: This summer (if indeed we have one!) avoid being bothered by wasps at barbeques etc , by putting a blob of jam on a small child.

March was a tough month to be a Scouser. What with their team getting knocked out of Europe, then losing a Cup Final and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, Chancellor Rachel Reeves cuts benefits. Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a Scouser on the new BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!

                                                                  

People appreciate it, when you kiss them on the back of the neck. But not when they’re driving and you’re in the back seat and they didn’t know that you were there.

I often wonder if the person who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases, or am I the one and only?

Fascinating Fact: I don’t always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don’t. Moreover, I'm wearing pink this week, to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.

Most Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged. However, a student nurse discovered one elderly gentleman, who was already dressed, sitting on a bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he didn’t require any assistance whatsoever to leave the hospital. However, after a discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student wheel him to the lift. While the lift was descending to the ground floor, the nurse politely enquired if his wife was meeting him. He sez: “I don’t know. She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown…”

Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. I sez, "I thought she wanted one of them there sporty, 4 x 4 wheel drive Range Rovers?" Albert replies, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work only when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                                     

 

The ironic audacity of the ATM machine....

                         

I’ve given up Lent for alcohol! Booze is no longer in my vodkabulary. I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and discovered that if you drink too much, it’s likely Tequilya! Shurely shome mishtake?

I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! I’ve never played cards since, because I’m frightened of winning them back.

Yesterday, I purchased a bottle of Fred Flintstone aftershave cologne. The aroma is quite strong. It’s a very powerful fragrance and you don't need to splash much of it on. In fact, just a little dab'll do ya!

To the person who stole my furniture polish. I will find you, that is my Pledge....

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales assistant that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. “Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “Exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?” The bride-to-be sez: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.” “Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.” “Gadzooks!” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon suite at the hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limousine on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.” “What about your third husband?” “He was a Labour politician “, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, however. nothing ever happened.”

                        

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, I got knocked over by a youth on one of those electric scooters. It was entirely my own fault though, as I was walking on the pavement.

Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “If someone offered you five hundred quid because you’re ugly, would you take it?” Nora replied: “Yes. I’m ugly not stupid.”

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle recently visited his doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said he was doing fairly well for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Tommy couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 100?' The physician enquired: “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?” “Oh no.” he replied. The doctor then asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? He sez: “Not much... my missus reckons that all red meat is very unhealthy.” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking or jet-skiing?' “No, I don't.”' Tommy opined. The quack continued: “Do you gamble on horses, drive fast cars or have lots of hanky-panky in the bedroom? “Definitely not!” Tommy advised. Wearing a saturnine grimace, The good doctor gazed at Tommy and asked him: “Then why do you want to live until you’re 100?”

                             

I never reckoned that orthopaedic shoes would do anything whatsoever for my posture, but now, I stand corrected. When I was a kid, we used to have them stick-on soles, but they weren’t as good as shoes. I once made a pair of shoes entirely from Lego. Whenever I used to stand on a piece of Lego that the kid had left on the carpet, it didn’t hurt because I just got taller…

Fascinating Fact: Stock market disaster! Apple have announced that although their profits are down, their turnover is still good. Especially with some custard. The iPhone's connected to the Apple Watch, the watch is connected to the iPad, the iPad's connected to the Wi-Fi, the Wi-Fi's connected to the bluetooth, the bluetooth's connected to the iCloud, the iClouds connected to the dongle! Technology! Doncha just luvvit! .

Thought for Thursday: Yesterday, I started a 28 day no swearing challenge, which I shall restart today.

I always wanted to write a book when I was a lot younger, but I was dreadful at spelling, which is a shame, as I thought I'd make a great Arthur. When I was at skool, I was always rubbish at spelling, butter waz gud at Jograffy.

Over many years, it has been well documented that Old Trafford is an extremely difficult ground for any team to win at. Could this be the reason why Manchester United are struggling this season?

I sold all my Adele CD collection on eBay and the buyer still hasn’t paid for them as yet, despite many reminders. Should I give up, or should I keep on chasing payments?

The ironic audacity of the cash point machine charging £2-50 to take your own money out, whilst also telling you to cover your pin, so you don't get robbed.

This is Austin. Austin doesn’t play into the left versus right paradigm, because Austin knows that both wings are attached to the same bird. Be like Austin and think critically and eschew obfuscation by not being involved with perpetrators of terminological inexactitudes and purveyors of crapulous addlepated blather. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

The Shenanigans at the Oval Orifice....

                                                 

         

Man Utd urgently need Marcus Rashford back at Old Trafford as the club has withdrawn free lunches for staff and sacked all the catering department.

Jeremy Clarkson wrote on social networking platform X (formerly Twitter.) “Don’t worry if your A level grades aren’t any good. I got a C and two U’s and I’m sitting here deciding on which of my Range Rovers to use today.” A scallywag called Derek replied: “I didn’t do A levels. I was expelled from school and turned to a life of crime. I too am deciding on which one of your Range Rovers to use today!” Furthermore, I don't know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak.

Fascinating Fact: I was born a male. I identify as a male. However, according to Tesco’s chocolate profiteroles, I’m a family of four! Mind you, I do have an eating disorder. Two hands and one gob. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

After all the shenanigans at The Whitehouse Oval Office last week, Putin must have been laughing with glee at the support he’s received from megalomaniac Donald Trump and his vice president J.R Dunce! So much so that Putin decided to contact a fortune teller to advise his future. The sooth-sayer gazed intp her crystal ball and announced: “You will die on a Ukranian National Holiday!” Putin asks: “There are lots of holidays in every year. Which holiday?” The medium replied: “Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian National Holiday!” Until then, the horrors continue....

                                                        

Barmy Albert has been shining a laser pointer in his neighbours window when they’ve gone out at night. Their cat has obliterated four sets of venetian blinds while chasing it. They have no idea it's Albert.

I got pulled over on the A57 yesterday and the speed cop asked me: “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I replied: “Was it to see how tall I am?” He sez: “Step out of the car, sir…” See! I knew it! Moreover, if he can’t remember why he stopped me, I’m not gonna refresh his memory am I!

Last week, I received my electricity bill. It looks like that I’ve been charged for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the speed of light, the light of the Holy Spirit and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel! It was obviously an estimated account, so I need to supply a meter reading, in order to clarify these exorbitant charges. I asked the wife (the light of my life) to nip into the garage and tell me what it said on the meter. She came back with a piece of paper on which she had scrawled “Danger! High Voltage! The theme continued when she visited the hairdressers and she asked me what particular cut would make her more attractive. I replied: “A power cut.” That’s when the fight started!

Thought for Thursday: A literalist is someone who takes things literally. A kleptomaniac is someone who literally takes things...

Due to a let-down, I make an appeal through this newspaper. Is there anybody on here interested in a helicopter trip? It will be with me, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora. We’ll be leaving at 10.20am on Friday from Manchester Airport and first fly direct to Blackpool where we will have breakfast. Afterwards, we fly to Dublin to enjoy a lunch and a Guinness or two. Later on in the afternoon we will then fly down to London for an evening fine dining before staying in a 5 star hotel in the centre of the city. Early the next morning we depart London to be back at Manchester around noon. If you are interested, please email me. Preferably someone with a helicopter.

A horse walks into the Pitbull & Stanley Knife pub and orders a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. Dastardly Dennis, the landlord remarks: “You’re in here quite often. Do you reckon you might be an alcoholic?” The nag replies: “I don’t think I am..” and promptly vanishes from existence! This joke is actually about Descartes’ famous philosophy of: “I think; Therefore, I am.” However, if I explain that part before the rest of the joke, then that would be putting Descarte before the horse. Now do you understand?

                                   

  

Remember that the only thing standing in you way between you and your wildest dreams, is your unkempt appearance, lack of talent and your maudlin personality.

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging all the squirrels in order of height. They didn't like me critter sizing…

Remember when we used to wait until 9pm to talk to people on our landline for unlimited minutes? Twenty years later, we all pay for unlimited minutes, and don’t call anyone! 

I am working away for the next two weeks. If you don't do anything else during my enforced absence, be sure to tell  everyone about the hilarious fopdoodle Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. This column will return in the merest hint of time.

                                  

Big Chief Sitting Bull and his wife Lying Cow....

                                                                          

The missus curtly informed me that she thought we'd have less arguments, if I wasn't so pedantic. I told her, "I think you mean fewer." That’s when the fight started!



My dentist told me that if I were to have a false denture fitted, then my speech could well be affected. Anyway, I went ahead and had them anyway. Can't say I'm sorry. I also can’t say Suzie, Suzie, sitting in the shoeshine shop. All day long, she sits and shines. All day long, she shines and sits….



Living with a dog consists of 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth. Moreover, a dog can help you find important things when they're lost, things like your smile, your hope and your courage. Having a K9 Cutikin in your life is one of life's greatest treasures.

                              

Big Chief Sitting Bull and his wife Lying Cow made love on a bed of horse hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his second wife on a bed of buffalo hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his third wife on a bed of hippopotamus hide and she brought into the world FOUR sons! So it just goes to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.



It’s Barmy Alberts first week of working at the bicycle factory and they’ve already made him the spokesperson. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!



When I tried a shoe on and told the shop assistant that it was too tight, she said:

"try it with the tongue out."So I sez: "It'th thtill thtoo tithhe!"



Breaking News: Ruben Amorim has resigned after back-to- back away losses to Lands End United and John O Groats Town. He said in a press statement: “I have taken the team as far as they can go!”

                                                      

One evening, Non-Stick Nora brings her frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a comfy chair at a window overlooking a magnificent flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two efficient and attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up and plump up the cushions behind her. Again, she seems fine, but after a short while she starts to tilt to the other side, yet again. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later Nora and Barmy Albert arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's really lovely." she replies. "Except, they won't let you fart."



For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
                                                

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was in the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama, when Non-Stick Nora declared: “I’ve started my juice cleanse and been for a hike yesterday.” Elsie was gobsmacked and looked at her in disbelief and asked Nora: “What did you really do?” Nora replied: “I drank a bottle of Chardonnay and fell down the stairs….”





The musical director was struggling with Sid, the out of time drummer who just couldn’t get it right. Despite countless conversations and guidance, Sid’s performance never improved. Finally, in front of the entire orchestra, the director said, “When a musician can’t master their instrument and fails to improve despite help, they take the instrument away, hand them two sticks, and make them a drummer.” From the percussion section, a stage whisper followed: “And if that’s still too much, they take away one stick and make him a conductor.”



Technically, a shark swims faster than me, but I reckon that I can probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it all depends on who is the better cyclist. If you require further clarification on this surreal pastiche, then just visit my website. Click on: www.ComedianUK.com and assume a comical position. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Students get first hand job experience....

                                     

BAFTA award winner Conclave is a filum starring Ralph Fiennes as Cardinal Thomas Lawrence, who in a nutshell is the head of a group of Cardinals whose role it is to select the next pontiff to succeed Pope Francis. Apparently, the hot favourite is Archbishop Cardinal Angelo Si Scola of Milan, 83 to be the successor to Pope Francis. So, it's true then! The next pontiff will be known as Pope Si Scola! You couldn't make it up!




On the same subject, who should meander down the red carpet at the New York Hilton Hotel, but the Pope! The man himself, clambered into a yellow taxicab and the driver was thunderstruck. He sez: “Your Holiness. I am you humble servant How can I serve you?” The Pope exclaimed: “I have an international emergency, my son. I need to get to the airport forthwith!” The taxi driver sez: “It’s rush hour, your Holiness and rush hour in New York is horrendous!” The Pope makes the sign of the cross and informs the taxi driver: ”If you can get me to the airport, within the hour, I’ll give you a thousand dollar tip!” The driver opines: “But I have two speeding violations already and if I get a third, I’ll lose my livelihood.” The Pope again made the sign of the cross and replied: “Well, what if I still give you a thousand-dollar tip and you let me drive the cab?” They shake hands on the deal and just as they get two minutes from the airport, a speed cop pulls them over. The cop is overawed when he sees who is in the taxi and gets straight on his radio to headquarters. He speaks with his captain and asks him what he should do if he pulls someone over who is really important. The captain shouts over the radio: “Are they more important than The Mayor of New York City?” The cop answers: “Definitely!” The captain continues: “Is this guy more important than Donald Trump, the President of the United States of America?” The exasperated cop replies: “Captain, this man is so important, the Pope is driving him around!”

                                             

Last week, I asked the wife what she would like for Valentines Day. She sez: “You can get me anything from The Body Shop. I got her a front near-side wing for a Ford Focus. Yes, you’ve guessed, it was the wrong colour! All the mither I go to and I still get no better thought of…



Beware of scams on the internet! For Valentines Day, I ordered the missus an 18-Carat gold necklace, but they sent a set of golf clubs instead! Exercise extreme caution with rogue traders too! I paid a carpenter two thousand quid in advance to make me a King-Size bed and he’s only gone and done a bunk. It’s just one thing on top of another!

                                     

Wallpaper peeling off windows all steamed up. If any of my readers know how to fix condensation, please call round to my house. The kettle is always on.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were ensconced in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub larruping copious tankards of ale , when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives Albert a big snog and informs him that she’ll see him later, then casually saunters off. Nora glares at him and asks him: "Who the flippin’ hell was that?" "Oh," replies Albert: "She's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," declares Nora. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies Barmy Albert "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Scropton Street Precinct, no more summer holidays in Rhyl, no more trips to bingo in Stalybridge, no more swanning around in the Reliant Robin and no more darts, dominoes and meat raffle in the Abbatoir Operatives & Slaughtermans Social Club. But the decision is yours." Just then, Tommy Grabknuckle enters the pub, with a voluptuous blonde babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tommy?" asks Nora. "That's his mistress" sez Albert. "Ours is much prettier!" Nora replied.



"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her purse and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her purse once again, and produced a crumpled fifty-pound note. "Right-Ho!" she said, "Have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works! It just goes to prove that a woman is a person who can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a darkened bedroom, but cannot see the gatepost with the headlamps on main beam!

                                    

It’s always a tad quiet on the showbiz front in January and February, so I sauntered down to the local Job Centre to see if any alternative employment opportunities beckoned. The clerk (She had a face like a murderer’s labourer) curtly informed yours truly that the only vacancies currently available were in data processing. I told her that I was unable to use a computer. She looked at me with much disdain and sez: “In this day and age! You can’t use a computer! Are you some kind of moron?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, “No. It’s a condition of my bail....”



The missus sez: "You should never eat donuts for breakfast!” to me yesterday morning. I told her "My Grandfather lived to be 103 years old." She asked: "Did he eat donuts for breakfast?” I said, "No. He minded his own business." That’s when the fight started!





I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too, but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

                                         

  

"Are you a man or are you a mouse?” The thick plottens....

 

                                                 

Hey guys! Listen up! Don’t forget that this month, we celebrate the three days when all women rightfully acknowledge that the man is always right. That would be the 29th, 30th and 31st of February.

Another important date is tomorrow, namely Valentines Day! Looking for some guidance here: What's the best number of Roses to give the wife for Valentines Day? Is it: six or a dozen, or the whole tin? Last February 14 was a total disaster and she ended up in Tameside A & E. I told the matron that my wife had choked on a Quality Street chocolate. The matron asked me: “The purple one?” I sez: “Yes. That’s her!”

The powers that be at Manchester United have maintained that they will not under any circumstances sell Garnacho to any of their rivals. So that rules out Ipswich, Southampton, Leicester, Wolves, Everton and Spurs.

He's blessed with good fortune that Marcus Rashford. He's moved from 13th to 8th, without even kicking a ball.

Well, Barmy Albert was absolutely flabbergasted! He’d spent forty-eight hours on a trolley in the corridor at hospital A & E after getting covered in camouflage paint and he still hasn’t been seen.

I can't believe people are comparing Putin to Satan. Yes, I wholeheartedly concur that he's evil, but certainly not as evil as Putin...

I just parked my car at the hospital when the carpark attendant shouted over to me, "You can't park there, that's for badge holders only!” "That’s okay " I replied "I've got a bad shoulder."

                                             

Q) What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

A) A chicken sees a salad....




                                     

There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied.



I did a gig at an old folk’s home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn’t even answer my "Knock - Knock" jokes until I showed them some I.D.



The bloke who cuts keys and repairs shoes in Stalybridge must be really good, judging by the number of trophies in his window!



I sez to the missus last night, "I really fancy a takeaway." She replied, "You talking Chinese?" I sez, "No, did it sound Chinese?”

                                                                

Breaking News: Police in Liverpool have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 Kalashnikov semi-automatic rifles, together with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked illegal immigrants, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We’re totally gobsmacked. We never knew we had a Library." No doubt both books it contained had already been coloured in!



Thought for Thursday: A man fleeing war takes his wife and children. A man going to war, leaves them behind.



The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down Scropton Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me: “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy glare she gave me would have knocked a buzzard off a tip!



Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and pooed on my lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him! The missus exclaimed: “You’re no gonna put up with that are you?” I replied: “Well what can I do?” She then asked me: “Are you a man or are you a mouse?” she continued: “You can go and get a shovel and throw it over next doors fence!” So, now I have a lawn full of dog poo and no shovel!”



Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                              

A simple yes or no answer?

 

                                        

The missus sez to me yesterday: “I’m going to ask you a question and I just want a simple yes or no answer.” I sez: “Go on then. Ask away.” She replied: “Why do you tell jokes about blondes?”

Top Tips: The secret to a lasting marriage is tools. Tools ~ Accounts ~ Internet Options ~ Delete History.

Visiting a friend in Tameside Hospital, this bloke turned to me and shouted: “Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face”. Then a woman with a face like a pirate’s flag hollered: “Wee, sleekit, cowran, tim'rous beastie.” I asked the matron: “Is this a Psychiatric Ward?” She replied: “No, it’s the Burns Unit!”

I got talking to a woman at my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and she curtly informed me she had just divorced a professional footballer. I sez: “Oh really. Was it messy?”

This random woman sauntered out of Iceland and a packet of frozen fish fell out of her carrier bag and dropped onto the tarmacadam. So, Barmy Albert picked it up and bunged it in his shopping trolley. Non-Stick Nora exclaimed: "That doesn't belong to us, give it back to that lady." "Findus Kippers", Albert replied.

Fascinating Fact: I used to be a freelance journalist, but I was rubbish at it. Lance is still in prison.

                   

  

This girl from Stalybridge finds out she's pregnant. She's only sixteen. Even worse, it's twins. After much soul-searching, she has the babies, which turn out to be identical. She then gives them up for adoption. Time passes, and many years later her maternal instincts drive her to find out what happened to them. Following a great deal of investigation of the internet, she discovers that one of them was adopted by a Spanish couple, and was christened Juan. The other was adopted by an Egyptian couple and named Amal. She manages to trace the Spanish couple, and contacts them. They send her a photograph of the boy, who is now a fine young man. Unfortunately, she is unable to discover the whereabouts of the Egyptian couple. As she sits in her mother's house in Mossley, she looks lovingly at the photo of her long-lost son. "Oh, Mother," she says, "I'm so happy to be able to see one of my sons, but how I wish I could also see his brother as he is today." "Don't worry," says her mother, "they're identical. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Barmy Albert ran home from work and pulled Non-Stick Nora into the bedroom, hurled her onto the mattress and then pulled the duvet over them! Nora was astounded, because Albert had not acted like this for many years. Suddenly, Albert shouted: “Look! My new watch! It glows in the dark!”

I had an argument with the waitress in the Scropton Street Cafeteria. I refused to pay the bill. She asked me why, because I’d ordered 42 coffees. I said: “No I didn’t! I ordered 4 tea, two coffees!”

After putting on so much weight after Christmas, the wife caught me holding my stomach in, whilst standing on the bathroom scales. She sez: “That’s not going to have any effect, you moron!” I replied: “It does. It’s the only way that I can see the numbers!” She then announced: “I’m leaving you for 29 different reasons, plus your obsession with tennis.” I replied: “That’s 30 Love!” I told her I’d see her at court. That’s when the fight started!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out to dinner at a restaurant and when it came time to settle the account, it turned out that the skunk didn’t possess a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill!
                                             

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was perched at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind. This fella approached her and sez: “Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?” “Yes, I am aware of that” replied Elsie. “But I need my hands to hold onto my hat” “But madam you must know that your derriere is exposed for all to see!” Elsie sighed and looked down, then back up at the bloke and declared: “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!”



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!  

                                                 

Austin Knight Punchlines Column 23/12/25

 www.questmedianetwork.co.uk

Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance...

 

                                                  

Many months ago, I visited the doctor about my hearing and he prescribed some drops and told me to put 2 drops per day in my beer. I’ve been doing this now for ages and still no improvement.

Non-Stick Nora and Elsie Grabknuckle were having a chat in the Scropton Street Laundrette & Washerama. "Elsie, I just don’t know what to do," Nora sez to her friend. "That good-looking Chester Draws from the betting shop has asked me out on a date tomorrow. Do you think I should go?" "Gadzooks!" shrieks Elsie. "He’ll take you to Wetherspoons and then the kebab shop and then use any old excuse to get you up to his council flat. Then he’ll rip your frock off and make love with you all night.” “What should I do?" asks Nora. To which Elsie replied: "Wear an old gansy."

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife when this bald bloke asked me: "Do you know where I can get a toupee?" I replied: "Off the top of my head, No."

Last week, what with Storm Éowyn rapidly approaching, Barmy Albert took Met office, RAC and Health and Safety advice when travelling, he loaded the car with warm clothes, blankets, food, large flask of soup, water, torch, spare batteries, spare phone, large spade, a tow rope, and Wellington boots. He then realised there was no room in the car for Nora and the grandkids, so he has gone away on his own for a few days. Result!

There was a hard frost and minus zero temperatures yesterday morning when I took my quad bike to do some off-road rallying. As I perambulated across the rough terrain, I genuinely thought that I could hear tubular bells. However, it was just my cold field....

Fascinating Fact: I made every endeavor to read the whole of the dictionary in bed last night. I didn't manage to finish it. I got up to P.

                                   

 

Recently in America (where else!) a ‘Husband Mega-Store’ opened. Women could first peruse, and then choose a husband from a multitude of males. It spread across five floors, with men possessing more positive attributes as one ascended. The only rule was, once you entered any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a level, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. Three girlfriends paid a visit to find some husbands. On the first floor, a sign announced, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women observed the sign and pondered, "I wonder what’s further up?" So up they went, to floor two, where the sign read, “These men are highly paid, adore children, and are most handsome”. “Hmmm,” they were impressed, but being typical women, “ Lets go further up!” On the third floor, a sign bearing the legend, "These men are wealthy, good-looking hunks who love kids and DIY". "Wahay!" shouted the women, “Very tantalising.” But there was yet another floor, so onward and upward they journeyed. The fourth elevation displayed a notice declaring, “These men are affluent millionaires, and they worship children, are extremely attractive, do housework and are incurable romantics”. “I don’t believe it,” they exclaimed, “Imagine what will be further on!” On the final floor the sign proclaimed, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are virtually impossible to please. The way out is straight ahead; we hope that you fall down the stairs”.

The missus was quite annoyed and shouted: "Ever since you bought those Walkie-Talkies, you've been acting like a big kid." I replied: Acting like a big what? Over!"

I was reflecting on the fact that I would’ve been five years sober today, if I’d have quit drinking five years ago. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
                                            

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That’s a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, like cars and men." "What’s your name?" she asked. "Beerandmanu.” he replied.

Barmy Albert attended a job interview at Scropton Street Abbatoir. The head slaughterman asked him: "What are your strengths?" Albert replied: "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" asked the head slaughterman. Albert sez: "Yes, when do I start?"

Did you know that dishonest people conceal their faults from themselves as well as others, honest people know and confess them. Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance. Furthermore, you should never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. For more fascinating factual gubbins, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: ComedianUK@sky.com. Now get back to work!