Non-Stick Nora's Naughty Nephew!

                            

The ghastly Starmergeddon farrago continues apace! At the Labour conference in Liverpool this week, he announced his next folly is to issue digital ID cards to everyone. He should be advised that my mate Sid had his ID stolen. We just call him ‘S’ nowadays…

                                 

Non-Stick Nora had to pick up her nephew, Tarquin, from school. She asked him how his day went, and the little boy sez: "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje, and he unbuttoned her shirt, then he took her bra off, and then..." Nora replied: "Let's save the rest of the story for when Uncle Albert comes home for his tea." Albert appears for his tea, and Nora asks the little boy, "How was your walk to school again?" Tarquin says, "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje,he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off..." Nora asked him, "And what happened next?" And the little boy told her: "And then Uncle Albert and Auntie Marje started doing the same thing that you and Uncle Tommy did when Uncle Albert was working on the nightshift!” Kid’s eh? Doncha just luvvem!

I come from a large family of failed stage magicians. I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. That appalling performance ultimately led to my father being fired. Unfortunately, it was from a cannon! Luckily, they don’t make men of his calibre anymore. Even the family dog was a ‘magical mutt’ and dabbled in magic. He was a labracadabrador.

Fascinating Fact: When a bird kills another bird, that’s considered a burder. That is the birdict!

Two kids attending a wedding, one of them leaned over to the other and asked him: “How many wives can a man have? “His pal answered: “Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer!”

A friend asked me, "Have you tried blindfold archery?" I replied: "Never." He sez: "You don't know what you're missing!" He told me that the class was at the local village hall. He then advised: “Just follow the arrows on the floor…”

                                         

 

A Geordie woman asked her friend: “Does it hurt to get a tattoo?” Her friend replied: “It depends on the area.” The Geordie woman sez: “I’m from Sunderland.”

Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when young Willy Eckerslyke asked him, “If you had to choose, would you rather lose an arm or a leg?” Albert answered: “A leg. I need both arms to go fish.” Willy replied: “I need both arms to cuddle my girlfriend.” Albert sniffed and sez: “Sounds like you’ve never been fishing!”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle phoned Currys PC World Customer Services and opined: “We purchased a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The tech guy advised: “Press the big button.” Elsie told him: “I have done that.” The tech dude then told her, “Try the power cord at the back. Maybe it’s disconnected.” Elsie then advised him: “Just hold on while I go and get a torch.” The tech fella sez: “Why do you need a torch?” Elsie replied: “It’s dark, we have no electricity.”

Further Fascinating Fact; When you grew up listening to The Beatles, Queen, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd, it isn’t easy to get excited about artists like Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and Drake.

I don’t wish to boast, but it would appear that I’ve entered the most gratifying stage of life where I have a lot going for me. My knees are going, my back is going, my hearing and eyesight are going, and my patience? Well, that’s long gone!

                                      

My mate walked into my local pub The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife with his missus and the Eric the barkeep exclaimed: "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "I met her in Thailand," he replied. "We're due to get married next month." "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."
"I don't mind that," he replied. "I hate giving her them anyway!