Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After finishing her dessert, she visited the ladies' powder room, then sauntered out through the bar area. It was such a lovely evening, she decided to leave her car in the car park and walk home. Unfortunately, when she got to her front door, she realised she hadn’t got her keys. She had inadvertently left her jacket in the cloakroom, and the keys were in the pocket. She walked back to the restaurant, retrieved her jacket, and realised that she’d left her hat at the table. When she finally returned to the table, her husband Walter asked her: “Are you alright? I was worried. You took such a long time in there!”
We’ve just returned from a holiday in Majorca and the wife said she didn’t really enjoy it because everyone could speak English and all the food was just identical to what we scoff back home. She told me that next time we go away, she wants to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff and you can’t understand a single word they say. On that basis, I’ve just booked us a fortnight in Bonnie Scotland.
The doctor asked me if I do regular exercise. I told him: “Yeah. I do them push-offs, plonks, and cronchies.” He replied: “I’ll just put no….”
Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “Isn’t it strange how we pay lots of money, just to see other people?” Albert retorted: “Do you mean going to the theatre or cinema or suchlike?” Nora replied: “No. I meant Specsavers.”
I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and Sharon, the barkeep, asked me if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket to support the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. She told me that the top prize was a frozen turkey!
I heard on the grapevine that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the Wailing Wall, but he couldn’t get near it because of hundreds of Manchester United supporters.
Top Tip: Save money on Double Cream. Buy two pots of Single Cream and mix them up together.
My wife found me in bed with another woman yesterday. It beggars belief why it took two of them to find me.
Figures just in, since these two men took office, Trump has deported an estimated 2,000,000 illegal immigrants. Starmer 0,000,001
My mate Dave told me he used to be in a band called The Fortunes. I asked him if they called it that because they thought they’d make a lot of money? He sez: “No, we only knew four tunes.”
Fascinating Fact: I read that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can’t verify that as I’ve never eaten a monkey. Furthermore, you should never monkey around with another monkey's monkey.
A Geordie woman goes to the customer service desk at the garden centre. She opines: “Excuse me pet, have you got a fern please?” The assistant replies: “Certainly. What particular variety of fern are you looking for?” The Geordie woman says: “One with buttons, so I can fern a taxi!”
Further Fascinating Fact: Whenever you pay six quid for a coffee, you get a free mug. Just find the nearest mirror to see it.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a coincidence!
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