What a team! Lammy and Kiery! It’s just like Sid James and Kenneth Williams are doing a remake! ‘Carry On Kiery’ is now available on Amazon Prime (Minister) new series entitled ‘Starmer’s Slaphappy Shenanigans!’ featuring David Lammy singing the theme tune: “I Can See Kiery Now That Rayner’s Gone!” It all ends with Two-Tier Kier shouting: “Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”
After Father Ted comedy writer Graham Linehan was arrested by five armed police officers at Heathrow Airport last week, for purportedly saying ‘hurty’ words on social network platform X, we truly know that the lunatics have actually taken over the asylum.
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the eulogy at her husband's funeral. She opined: “Tommy needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was sadly not on record. Anyway, the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know to save his life. Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so I only had time to hold his hand and say goodbye. I’ll always fondly recollect how supportive my Tommy was. Even as he was fading away, he kept whispering to me: Be Positive! Be Positive! That was my Tommy, right up to the very end, he was always thinking of others….”
Top Tip: If you want to be remembered after you die, then start borrowing money from everyone you know.
Church Notice: When you enter this church, it may be possible that you hear ‘The Call of God.’ However, it is most unlikely that He will call you on your mobile phone, so thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter and choose a quiet corner and talk to Him. If you want to see him, then send Him a text while driving….
When I was a kid, the hardest football pitch that I ever played on was made of crushed brick rubble, gravel and concrete. We won our first game 3-2 on aggregate.
After dredging the lake at the local golf club, Barmy Albert got on the 237 bus with both his trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat next to old Cissie Slopbouquet, who kept looking quizzically at his obviously bulging pockets. Finally, after many perplexed glances from her, Albert curtly informed her: “It’s golf balls!” Cissie gazed at him with a saturnine grimace and replied: “That must be very painful. I had tennis elbow once!”
Fascinating Fact: The world is made up of two population groups: The 1% or the 99%. You either belong to one or you are the one!
Young Willy Eckerslyke struck up a conversation with an attractive young lady in The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied: "Have you not got a girlfriend? Guys like you always have girlfriends. "No. Sadly, we broke up just over a month ago," Willy assured her. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she says: "Go on then, I'll have a white wine spritzer, please.” A few drinks later, after a kiss and a cuddle, they both headed off back to her place and made mad passionate lurve, all night long. The following morning, while young Willy was putting his clothes back on, she exclaimed: "So, you're a good-looking, genuinely nice guy, and possess an amazing personality. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Willy admitted: "My wife found out."
I argued with the missus, and in a futile bid to exact some manner of revenge, I switched all the labels on her spice rack. I'm not in real trouble just yet, but the thyme is cumin. When I got back home the following day, she’d left me a note. She wrote: “I’m truly sorry about the argument last night. I have to work late tonight. Dinner is in the oven. You only have to light it. The gas is already turned on… xxx”
Thought for Thursday: Jokes about white sugar are rare; however, Jokes about brown sugar,
Demerara...
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