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Tuesday 28 June 2011
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.
He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, intending never to be seen in his home town again. However, decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but to tell you the truth an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too. Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Saturday 25 June 2011
"Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk." Grantland Rice
"If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is."
Horace G. Hutchinson
"Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one."
"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
"Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them."
"May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters."
"The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. "
"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that."
"If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death."
"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness."
"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
"I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced."
"My handicap? Woods and irons."
"I'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time getting out of them! "
"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Tuesday 21 June 2011
The missus and I were having an argument and we were both unwilling to admit we might be wrong. In an attempt to reconcile, she said to me, "I'll admit I'm wrong, if you admit I'm right." I agreed and being a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she sez. "You're right!" I replied. That’s when the trouble started.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!
When I was in the pub last night, I overheard a couple of morons saying they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist idiots! I mean it’s not like she has to reverse the flamin’ thing is it!
When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Barmy Albert and his wife Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I'd like to ride in that helicopter" Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don't say a word, I won't charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn't. I'm so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”
So Sylvester Stallone gets into the World Boxing Hall of Fame for pretending to be a boxer.
Does that mean that Audley Harrison will be inducted too?
The missus described me as 'foxy,' I was quite chuffed until she went on and said I was a smelly, sly, devious scallywag that rifles through bin-bags and fouls up the lawn.
Thought for Thursday: We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! email@example.com
Monday 13 June 2011
The Circle of Life...
We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!
Emile Heskey turned up at Leicester City's training ground with a rucksack on. The security guard stopped him, asking what was in the rucksack. ''Counterfeit tickets, a bomb and a gun'' replied Emile. ''Thank fuck for that'' replied the security guard, ''I thought you’d brought your boots'
Ryan Giggs had an affair with a girl off Big Brother, then yet another dalliance with a girl off little brother. Apparently his family in Wales are so pissed off with him, when he walks in the room they start speaking English. Incredible!
Apparently, ITV have had to stop broadcasting the original car insurance ad featuring Iggy Pop. This is because the insurers have a policy against giving car insurance to celebrities, thereby creating a conflict of interest. I don't even understand why Iggy Pop needs car insurance... he's the passenger!
A blonde goes into a greengrocers and asks for 5lb of potatoes. “It's kilos now" says the grocer. "That’s alright’’ says the blonde, "Give us 5lb of kilos then!"
The wife wants a divorce. It’s because of my obsession with 70’s pop group ‘The Monkees.’ I thought she was only kidding at first. But then I saw her face....
Andy Murray has got a new sponsor, namely, Solvite Wallpaper Paste. It would look great on paper, but bobbins on any other surface.
Manchester United fans have MUTV. Chelsea fans have Chelsea TV. Arsenal fans have Arsenal TV. Liverpool will have to be content with The History Channel. Liverpool fans can now relish European football next season, when they play away to Swansea...
Once upon a time, a man asked a magical fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. So she turned him into a credit card.
The private health consultant gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the consultant gave him another six months. Innit grand when yer skint!
I did a gig at an old folks home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my knock-knock jokes til I showed 'em some I D...
My pal started cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises..
Thought for Thursday: I saw my shrink today. I'm now 3ft smaller.
Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: www.comedian.ws or better still email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me!
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Monday 6 June 2011
The school Career's Advisor asked Barmy Albert to call him regarding his teenage son. "Frankly," he said, "Your son is rude, churlish,vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic..... We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct”
I asked the missus to record something for me on ITV2 +1. She recorded ITV3. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?
BBC News: E-Coli Scare! Britons warned to stay away from cucumber, lettuce and tomato for the time being. What’s the salad guy at Subway gonna ask everyone now?
Last Sunday morning, the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) and I were quiet and thoughtfully reflecting around the breakfast table when I said to her , "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately. "Now why would you want me to do summat like that?" she asked."Well, I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other tosser going through my personal belongings.” "She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another tosser?"
My neighbour Barmy Albert is inconsolable. His wife (Non-Stick Nora) has left him and taken his entire Bob Marley collection AND the satellite dish. Poor bastard. No Woman. No Sky!!
The missus asked me “What do you love about me?” I looked at her and replied, “ADEFGHIJK” She looked at me and opined, “What do they mean” I answered “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot...” The missus sez “Aww, that’s lovely and what about IJK?” I replied, “I’m Just Kidding!”
Futuristic Calculations: If perchance, Ryan Giggs’ wife decides she is going to court to get fifty per cent of everything that he owns, then it stands to reason that she will have six more league medals than Steven Gerrard. Fascinating!
Q) Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
A) It said "concentrate" on it
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his solicitor. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?" "It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, " Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
I walked into a car showroom last night and said to the salesman, "The missus would like to talk to you about the Audi A5 that you have in the window". He said, "We don't have an Audi A5 in the window". I curtly informed him, "You do now"...
I got the missus a bag of peat compost for her birthday, and she chucked it at me in a rage! Typical woman, you give them the earth and they throw it back in your face!
Have you heard about the new language on Google Translate? No? It’s called Cheryl Cole...
Thought for Thursday: I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. – James Thurber.
This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggar's cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, and Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: email@example.com