Various Gubbins...

The Circle of Life...

We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!




Emile Heskey turned up at Leicester City's training ground with a rucksack on. The security guard stopped him, asking what was in the rucksack. ''Counterfeit tickets, a bomb and a gun'' replied Emile. ''Thank fuck for that'' replied the security guard, ''I thought you’d brought your boots'



Ryan Giggs had an affair with a girl off Big Brother, then yet another dalliance with a girl off little brother. Apparently his family in Wales are so pissed off with him, when he walks in the room they start speaking English.  Incredible!



Apparently, ITV have had to stop broadcasting the original car insurance ad featuring Iggy Pop. This is because the insurers have a policy against giving car insurance to celebrities, thereby creating a conflict of interest. I don't even understand why Iggy Pop needs car insurance... he's the passenger!



A blonde goes into a greengrocers and asks for 5lb of potatoes. “It's kilos now" says the grocer. "That’s alright’’ says the blonde, "Give us 5lb of kilos then!"



The wife wants a divorce. It’s because of my obsession with 70’s pop group ‘The Monkees.’ I thought she was only kidding at first. But then I saw her face....



Andy Murray has got a new sponsor, namely, Solvite Wallpaper Paste. It would look great on paper, but bobbins on any other surface.



Manchester United fans have MUTV. Chelsea fans have Chelsea TV. Arsenal fans have Arsenal TV. Liverpool will have to be content with The History Channel. Liverpool fans can now relish European football next season, when they play away to Swansea...

Once upon a time, a man asked a magical fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. So she turned him into a credit card.

The private health consultant gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the consultant gave him another six months. Innit grand when yer skint!



I did a gig at an old folks home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my knock-knock jokes til I showed 'em some I D...

My pal started cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises..



Thought for Thursday: I saw my shrink today. I'm now 3ft smaller.

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: www.comedian.ws or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me!