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Monday 6 June 2011

Get Yer Dongle Out!!

Last Sunday morning, the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) and I were quiet and thoughtfully reflecting around the breakfast table when I said to her , "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately. "Now why would you want me to do summat like that?" she asked."Well, I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other tosser going through my personal belongings.” "She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another tosser?"

My neighbour Barmy Albert is inconsolable. His wife (Non-Stick Nora) has left him and taken his entire Bob Marley collection AND the satellite dish. Poor bastard. No Woman. No Sky!!

The missus asked me “What do you love about me?” I looked at her and replied, “ADEFGHIJK” She looked at me and opined, “What do they mean” I answered “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot...” The missus sez “Aww, that’s lovely and what about IJK?” I replied, “I’m Just Kidding!”

Futuristic Calculations: If perchance, Ryan Giggs’ wife decides she is going to court to get fifty per cent of everything that he owns, then it stands to reason that she will have six more league medals than Steven Gerrard. Fascinating!

Q) Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?

A) It said "concentrate" on it

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his solicitor. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?" "It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, " Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

I walked into a car showroom last night and said to the salesman, "The missus would like to talk to you about the Audi A5 that you have in the window". He said, "We don't have an Audi A5 in the window". I curtly informed him, "You do now"...

I got the missus a bag of peat compost for her birthday, and she chucked it at me in a rage! Typical woman, you give them the earth and they throw it back in your face!

Have you heard about the new language on Google Translate? No? It’s called Cheryl Cole...

Thought for Thursday: I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. – James Thurber.

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggar's cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, and Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on or better still email me:

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