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Monday 28 November 2011

A practical example of how the human mind works...

An analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think...

For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice arse but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman, with a nice arse, on her way to work.

The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity.

For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse.

Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's arse will cause by the time she reaches 50.

But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

The countdown is on!


As from today, the countdown is on! At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.

My daughter looked up and sez "All this Movember stuff is ridiculous, I hope that you're gonna shave off that stoopid moustache before we go out today, it's totally embarrassing!" I was absolutely flabbergasted, it was the bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the missus.

I was speaking at a sportsmans dinner last Friday night and they auctioned a signed pair of Carlos Tevez football boots. Apparently, they no longer fit him properly, I hear that he has got too big for them.

During our day out at Ladybower Reservoir, Barmy Albert asked me, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?" I looked at him and sez, "Have you ever seen the film Jaws?" "Yeah." He replied. "Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."

Fascinating Fact: Because the duck-billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard. Incredible!

A Woman's Poem.

He didn't like the casserole,

And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard,

Not like his mother used to make,

I didn't perk the coffee right,

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks,

The way his mother used to do,

I pondered for an answer,

I was looking for a clue,

Then I turned around and

smacked him one,

Like his mother used to do.

Animal instincts are amazing. The mice in our house always know when my wife's mother is about to visit - they throw themselves on the traps.

Ten years ago Bob Hope died, then five years back Johnny Cash sadly passed away.

A couple of months ago, the founder of Apple, Steve Jobs shuffled of this mortal coil, then to top it all, two weeks ago, alas Jimmy Saville was no more. Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to fix it. We live in sad times.

Yesterday afternoon, on the High Street, a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper, that you could almost see through. He said, 'I want you to help me trace someone.'

Thought for Thursday: Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% of people just don't care and the other 80% of folk are glad you have them.

Don't let worry kill you off - let me help. By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter: You can email me too! Now, get back to work! Tinseltide is a-comin’!!

Thursday 24 November 2011

Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

The missus was in the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity, whilst I was waiting patiently downstairs to go out, when finally she flung the door open and opined “Give me your honest truthful opinion, do I look big in this?”    I replied “Yes dear, but to be fair, it is a very small bathroom.”

A recent survey found that one in three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily & responded "Its true. We speak for hours every day" She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.

I was stopped by a traffic policeman the other day. He sez, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic." I replied. He curtly informed me: "There is no traffic." I answered, "That's how far behind I am." Another three points and I qualify for a toaster! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I was on a British Airways flight the other day. For two hours Ryanair flew alongside us, so that their passengers could watch our film.

Husband: "Where've you been?" Wife: "The beauty parlour", Husband: "For six hours, you don’t look any different", Wife: "I was getting an estimate".

My grandad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that because she was chained to the railings.

When my school pal and I were little, we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was, he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John. After a while I got fed up of this and told him I wasn't playing any more. "Okay" he said. "We'll play a different game and you can be Robin." "Brilliant" I said. "Who are you gonna be?" "Batman" he replied.

Whilst in the car, I said to the missus, "You've been driving the car, haven't you?" She replied, "And exactly how do you know that?" I sez, "Because the clutch is knackered." She replied, "Don't blame me, I never use it."

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio."Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5ft 2 inches tall and sitting in the front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven....

I'm in trouble with the missus, yet again. We were in bed last night, and she asked me what would like to do most with her body. Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

Thought for Thursday: I suffer from paranoid amnesia. I can't remember who I don't trust.

Historians have discovered the headstone of a grave, of what they believe to be the oldest man in the United Kingdom. He was 111, and his name was Miles from London. The inscription was rather faded, so he might not have been 111, he may have been ill.

The proper art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. It’s a little bit like that U-bend behind the toilet, I could never get my head round that. You can visit my website if you fancy it, just clickety-click on:
 or email me:

Thursday 10 November 2011

What is going on?

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians are up to summat? Maybe it is the effect of a black hole deep in space that is imploding and sending micrcocosms of extreme temperature that are inversely proportional to the mass of the black hole itself, thereby making it difficult to observe this radiation for stellar mass or even greater gubbins. Either way, Mr David Cameron, we need you to grasp the nettle and sort this unfortunate problem out forthwith. Failing that, send Nick Clegg round with a rake, pronto!

What with the bleak midwinter just around the corner, I decided that I wasn’t going to be caught out this year when we are deluged with the white stuff. So I phoned our local 4x4 centre today, in readiness of the heavy downfall forecast in a couple of weeks - they were very helpful, apparently the answer is sixteen. Fascinating!

Since being ejected by Simon Cowell from The X Factor for snorting cocaine, a spokesman today commented that Frankie Cocozza needs medical help. I know just the doctor for him...

Money making tip.

Step 1 - Purchase a premium rate telephone number.
Step 2 - Put your telephone number on a 'How's my driving?' sticker and stick it to the rear of your car.
Step 3 - Drive around town like a complete twat and watch the cash roll in.

Poor old Joe Frazier has died..  Police suspect foul play,  They're currently grilling George Foreman!

I got home yesterday evening and the missus was weeping buckets by the slopstone in the scullery, and was inconsolable. I approached her in a most sympathetic manner. "Why are you crying, darling?" I gingerly enquired. "I made a lovely spaghetti bolognese for our dinner" she opined "But the dogs have scoffed it" "Don’t fret, love, we can always get some more dogs," came my reply.   She bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

I remarked that the sandwiches tasted rather odd and enquired what was on them. The missus sez, "Crab paste." I aked her where she got it and she replied "The chemist."

Hallowe'en was nowt speshul in our house. The missus looks exactly like Freddie Kruger every morning when she wakes up. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade. To be blatantly honest, I dunno how she has got past so many bonfire nights either.

"To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian". - Quote from Shakespeares Scandinavian sister, who had a face like a Norse...

In 1991, I was dating a Siamese twin for a while, but she finished with me after she found out I was seeing her sister behind her back.

A Poem Wot I Wroted:

Thank you for the flowers she said,

As she slowly raised her head,

I'm truly sorry for the things I said last night,

I was wrong and you were right,

So I forgave her, there and then,

... And as we whiled away the hours,

I thought to myself,

What f***in' flowers?!?!

Thought for Thursday: Folk are funny. They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Breaking News: The Olympic Flag will now have only four rings: Green, blue, red and black.  Apparently, the Greeks had to pawn the gold one.

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, it just isn’t worth the effort of gnawing through the leather straps. However, if you like a challenge, then visit my website! Just clickety-click on and have a chortle on me! Email me: Now, get back to work!