The missus was in the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity, whilst I was waiting patiently downstairs to go out, when finally she flung the door open and opined “Give me your honest truthful opinion, do I look big in this?” I replied “Yes dear, but to be fair, it is a very small bathroom.”
A recent survey found that one in three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily & responded "Its true. We speak for hours every day" She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.
I was stopped by a traffic policeman the other day. He sez, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic." I replied. He curtly informed me: "There is no traffic." I answered, "That's how far behind I am." Another three points and I qualify for a toaster! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
I was on a British Airways flight the other day. For two hours Ryanair flew alongside us, so that their passengers could watch our film.
Husband: "Where've you been?" Wife: "The beauty parlour", Husband: "For six hours, you don’t look any different", Wife: "I was getting an estimate".
My grandad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that because she was chained to the railings.
When my school pal and I were little, we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was, he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John. After a while I got fed up of this and told him I wasn't playing any more. "Okay" he said. "We'll play a different game and you can be Robin." "Brilliant" I said. "Who are you gonna be?" "Batman" he replied.
Whilst in the car, I said to the missus, "You've been driving the car, haven't you?" She replied, "And exactly how do you know that?" I sez, "Because the clutch is knackered." She replied, "Don't blame me, I never use it."
A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio."Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5ft 2 inches tall and sitting in the front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven....
I'm in trouble with the missus, yet again. We were in bed last night, and she asked me what would like to do most with her body. Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.
Thought for Thursday: I suffer from paranoid amnesia. I can't remember who I don't trust.
Historians have discovered the headstone of a grave, of what they believe to be the oldest man in the United Kingdom. He was 111, and his name was Miles from London. The inscription was rather faded, so he might not have been 111, he may have been ill.
The proper art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. It’s a little bit like that U-bend behind the toilet, I could never get my head round that. You can visit my website if you fancy it, just clickety-click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/
or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org