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Monday, 28 November 2011

The countdown is on!


As from today, the countdown is on! At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.

My daughter looked up and sez "All this Movember stuff is ridiculous, I hope that you're gonna shave off that stoopid moustache before we go out today, it's totally embarrassing!" I was absolutely flabbergasted, it was the bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the missus.

I was speaking at a sportsmans dinner last Friday night and they auctioned a signed pair of Carlos Tevez football boots. Apparently, they no longer fit him properly, I hear that he has got too big for them.

During our day out at Ladybower Reservoir, Barmy Albert asked me, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?" I looked at him and sez, "Have you ever seen the film Jaws?" "Yeah." He replied. "Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."

Fascinating Fact: Because the duck-billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard. Incredible!

A Woman's Poem.

He didn't like the casserole,

And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard,

Not like his mother used to make,

I didn't perk the coffee right,

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks,

The way his mother used to do,

I pondered for an answer,

I was looking for a clue,

Then I turned around and

smacked him one,

Like his mother used to do.

Animal instincts are amazing. The mice in our house always know when my wife's mother is about to visit - they throw themselves on the traps.

Ten years ago Bob Hope died, then five years back Johnny Cash sadly passed away.

A couple of months ago, the founder of Apple, Steve Jobs shuffled of this mortal coil, then to top it all, two weeks ago, alas Jimmy Saville was no more. Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to fix it. We live in sad times.

Yesterday afternoon, on the High Street, a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper, that you could almost see through. He said, 'I want you to help me trace someone.'

Thought for Thursday: Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% of people just don't care and the other 80% of folk are glad you have them.

Don't let worry kill you off - let me help. By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter: You can email me too! Now, get back to work! Tinseltide is a-comin’!!

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