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Thursday 10 November 2011

What is going on?

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians are up to summat? Maybe it is the effect of a black hole deep in space that is imploding and sending micrcocosms of extreme temperature that are inversely proportional to the mass of the black hole itself, thereby making it difficult to observe this radiation for stellar mass or even greater gubbins. Either way, Mr David Cameron, we need you to grasp the nettle and sort this unfortunate problem out forthwith. Failing that, send Nick Clegg round with a rake, pronto!

What with the bleak midwinter just around the corner, I decided that I wasn’t going to be caught out this year when we are deluged with the white stuff. So I phoned our local 4x4 centre today, in readiness of the heavy downfall forecast in a couple of weeks - they were very helpful, apparently the answer is sixteen. Fascinating!

Since being ejected by Simon Cowell from The X Factor for snorting cocaine, a spokesman today commented that Frankie Cocozza needs medical help. I know just the doctor for him...

Money making tip.

Step 1 - Purchase a premium rate telephone number.
Step 2 - Put your telephone number on a 'How's my driving?' sticker and stick it to the rear of your car.
Step 3 - Drive around town like a complete twat and watch the cash roll in.

Poor old Joe Frazier has died..  Police suspect foul play,  They're currently grilling George Foreman!

I got home yesterday evening and the missus was weeping buckets by the slopstone in the scullery, and was inconsolable. I approached her in a most sympathetic manner. "Why are you crying, darling?" I gingerly enquired. "I made a lovely spaghetti bolognese for our dinner" she opined "But the dogs have scoffed it" "Don’t fret, love, we can always get some more dogs," came my reply.   She bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

I remarked that the sandwiches tasted rather odd and enquired what was on them. The missus sez, "Crab paste." I aked her where she got it and she replied "The chemist."

Hallowe'en was nowt speshul in our house. The missus looks exactly like Freddie Kruger every morning when she wakes up. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade. To be blatantly honest, I dunno how she has got past so many bonfire nights either.

"To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian". - Quote from Shakespeares Scandinavian sister, who had a face like a Norse...

In 1991, I was dating a Siamese twin for a while, but she finished with me after she found out I was seeing her sister behind her back.

A Poem Wot I Wroted:

Thank you for the flowers she said,

As she slowly raised her head,

I'm truly sorry for the things I said last night,

I was wrong and you were right,

So I forgave her, there and then,

... And as we whiled away the hours,

I thought to myself,

What f***in' flowers?!?!

Thought for Thursday: Folk are funny. They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Breaking News: The Olympic Flag will now have only four rings: Green, blue, red and black.  Apparently, the Greeks had to pawn the gold one.

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, it just isn’t worth the effort of gnawing through the leather straps. However, if you like a challenge, then visit my website! Just clickety-click on and have a chortle on me! Email me: Now, get back to work!

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