BREAKING NEWS: There’s a new Andrew Mountbatten Windsor biography being released next week! Fortunately, this one doesn’t have a title.
I’m absolutely gutted! Would you believe that Kajagoogoo tickets have just gone on sale for £60, but I’ve only got £58.
Barmy Albert got home from work early, only to discover his best mate Willy Eckerslyke in bed with Non-Stick Nora. “Now hang on a minute, don’t go bananas. Let’s settle this in a civilised manner. We obviously both want the same woman, right? Here’s a deck of cards. Let’s cut them to see who gets her!” Albert agreed. “You’re on! But, let's have a hundred quid side bet to make it more exciting!”
When I was a kid and bedtime was at 9 pm, I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so that I could go to bed whenever I wanted to. It turns out that it’s 9 pm.
The wife and I have been married for 20 years, and folks often ask me: “What’s your secret?” I reply, “It’s straightforward. We have a ritual. We strictly adhere to it. Every week, we go out for a romantic candlelit dinner, drink fine wines and indulge in haute cuisine. She goes on Tuesday and I go on Thursday.
As the ship started sinking, the captain announced to his crew and passengers: “Is anyone here who is religious?” I put my hand up and informed him that I was, and that I pray very often. The captain sez: “That’s good. You can pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets, because we’re one short!”
Young Eric was misbehaving in class yet again and the teacher sent him to the headmaster's office. The headmaster informed Eric that this was the fifth time and that he had been a disruption in class this week, so I’m going to have to contact your father to discuss exactly what punishment you will receive. Young Eric replied: “Thank you. That will be awesome. I can’t wait to meet him!”
Non-stick Nora returned a wine box to Tesco, complaining that it clearly stated on the box that once opened, it would last six weeks. However, it was all gone in one night!
Tommy Grabknuckle wandered into his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, not realising that it was fancy dress night. He suddenly encountered a pirate drinking at the bar. Tommy noticed his eye patch and his hook hand and asked him: “If I buy you a beer, will you tell me how you lost your right hand?” The pirate replied: “Sure! One night, we sailed into a storm, and I inadvertently fell overboard, and my right hand became caught in a giant clam. A shark came along and bit off my hand. Otherwise, I would have drowned!” Tommy was overawed with this incredible story, so he bought the pirate another beer and asked him: “How did you lose your left eye?” The pirate sez: “Well, one day I was gazing up into the clouds, when a seagull flew across and pooped in my eye.” Tommy couldn’t fathom this out. He asked the pirate: “Your left eye went blind because of bird poop?” The pirate shook his head and replied: “Nah! That was the first day I got this hook!”
Recommended Reading: I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called "Fights on a Narrowboat" by R.G. Bargee
I kid you not. This is true. I was sauntering up Scropton Street and passed the pet shop, and there was a cat in the window that they maintained was from Amsterdam, so I went inside and asked: “How Dutch is that moggy in the window?”
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