Last weekend, I was in the Tesco car park watching a woman who couldn't remember where she had parked. Every time she held her remote car key in the air, I honked my horn. Later on, I pointed a hairdryer at cars on Scropton Street to see if they slowed down. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!
My mobile phone accidentally recorded a ten-minute video of my shoes yesterday. There was some pretty good footage.
Ladies. Listen Up: If perchance l invite you out to dinner, don't bring your bag; I will never let you pay. The important thing is that you start running when I run.
Save money on batteries by only putting them into your clock when you wish to know the time.
If your application to join the French Foreign Legion is turned down, simply join the Royal British Legion instead—less danger, jackpot bingo and cheaper beer.
I was in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with Barmy Albert , when this gang of Hells Angels Bikers started mouthing off at us! Barmy Albert suggested we should pretend that we're the Police. Not a good idea. We only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they tarred and feathered us!
Fascinating Fact: NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They're calling it Apollo G.
I told the missus that our next-door neighbour has sadly passed away. died. She said: "Who? Ray?"
I told her it was far too early to celebrate like that!
Just when I thought that there was no hope left, I remembered the lobsters swimming around in the tank in the restaurant on the Titanic.
Non-Stick Nora was having a problem with her wardrobe door in the main bedroom. It would fall off its hinges whenever the 237 bus went by. She tried to repair it on numerous occasions, but the door would still become unhinged when the bus thundered past. She finally called Chester Draws, the local odd-job man. He turned up the following afternoon and had a shufty at the wardrobe door and could find no problem, then suddenly, the 237 went by and the door mysteriously fell off its hinges. Chester suggested that he step inside the wardrobe and that Nora should shut the door behind him, so that he could ascertain the problem. Meanwhile, Barmy Albert arrived home from work, and as soon as he entered the house, he could hear voices from the bedroom, so he rushed upstairs to investigate. He burst in and demanded to know who Nora was talking to. Before she could explain, he looked in the wardrobe and found Chester inside and asked, “What's he doing in there?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m waiting for a bus!”
Top Tip: Keep a forty-year-old refrigerator in the garage so you'll still have one that works when the one you bought this year stops working next year.
Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:
(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.
(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.
(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.
Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and exercise your guffaw glands!
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