Coming home late at night from a gig...

                                                  

Well, I've never known anything like it! What a crazy day we’ve had today! The police knocked on our door this morning at 6:30 am. The efficient policeman told me:  “Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” They asked.

“No"  I advised him.”

“What about G.D. then?”

“Nope, it means nothing to me,” I replied.

“How about A.P.?”

“Look,” I said “am I suspected of something?”

“No sir.” They sez: “These are just initial enquiries.”

 
           

Fascinating Fact: Women think it’s sexy seeing a man put on a uniform. But not apparently when you’re a Lollipop Man.



I told my doctor, "I've got an ingrown toenail, a verruca, athlete's foot, and sweaty feet."

He said, "I wouldn't like to be in your shoes."



Elton John wanted to send his friends an invitation to his house for a fancy evening party but couldn't find the appropriate phrase. Apparently, Soiree seems to be the hardest word.


                           

A kid was sent home from school one day. Dad asks what for.

Kid says, "Teacher asked what three times four is, and I said twelve."

Dad says, "but that's correct."

Kid says, "I know, but then she asked what four times three is."

Dad says, "What's the f**king difference?"

Kid says, "That's exactly what I said!"



Barmy Albert staggers into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and asks the bartender

“I’ll have a sh-sh-sh… shingled roof. The bartender asks him: “What’s that?”

Albert replied: “Something that’s on the house…”



                                                 

Coming home late at night from a gig, through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a little doo-lally; whether from stage-fright or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.Comedian.ws or email me at comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Woody and the matching socks....

                                 

Barmy Albert said to young Willy Eckerslyke, "I can't believe it. I just lost all seven football bets I 
made, all five greyhound bets, and the three bets I made on the horses. l just don't know what I'm going to do." Young Willy sez: "Well, there's a hockey game tonight." Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Hockey? I don't know anything about hockey."



A speed cop pulls over three guys on a motorcycle "Are you guys serious?! Three people on one bike?" The pillion rider replied, "Three?! Oh shit... Tommy must’ve fallen off!"



I took the missus to a nudist beach - she spent two and a half hours deciding what not to wear!



Fascinating Fact: If your Chromosomes are XX, you're a woman. If they are XY, you’re a man. And if they are YI, then you’re a Geordie.



If God ever contacts me to tell me I have fifteen minutes left to live, I’m gonna spend those fifteen minutes on a rowing machine because it’ll feel like 24 hours.

                                  

Young Woody Eckerslyke was so naïve, as a kid of 21, a woman in a bar once whispered to him, "My socks match my panties." Woody thought that strange, because she wasn’t even wearing socks. And he thought, " Man, she’s as thick as a crofter's gherkin!”



I’ve just paid £25 for a four mile Uber ride to the laundrette. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners…



Non-Stick Nora bought a new fridge for her kitchenette. To get rid of her old fridge, she put it outside and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days, the fridge sat there without one person looking twice at it. She eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so she changed the sign to read: "fridge for sale £50." The next day, some scallywag nicked it...

                                                         

                            

The Animal Rights Activist’s annual barbecue...

                                              

Twisted Firestarter Donald Trump is at it again! He’s only gone and changed Lake Ontario to Lake America! Great and vital presidential work, I say! In retaliation, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has rebranded Canadian geese as Donald Ducks.

Barmy Albert will never forget the look on Non-Stick Nora's face when he gave her her 40th birthday card. With a forlorn frown and tears in her eyes, she said: “One would have done…”

Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws was impeccably dressed and looking quite distinguished and sartorially elegant when he sauntered into a very expensive restaurant in Paris's 6th arrondissement. He wore a tailored suit, a silk tie and highly polished black Gucci shoes. Chester ordered champagne, foie gras, lobster and a vintage bottle of Bordeaux. For dessert, he selected the most expensive item on the menu and ordered a brandy. When he had finished his meal, the waiter presented him with the bill. Chester looked at the waiter and said, “I don't know if you remember me, but many, many years ago I was quite down on my luck. I came here for a meal, and when it came time to pay, I couldn't.” The waiter looked at him more closely. “You publicly humiliated me,” Chester continued. “You had security march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.” The waiter suddenly remembered the incident. His face turned bright red, and he began to apologise profusely. Chester held up his hand. “Don't worry, old chap,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to do it again.”

When I was a little kid, my mum gave me some devastating news. She told me that I was adopted. I must confess that I teared up a bit, then cried hard and burst out, "I want to meet my real parents.” To which my mother replied, “We are your real parents. Now go and pack up all your stuff. You were adopted, and they'll be here in a few minutes."
                                       

Yesterday, I visited Aldi to buy an angle grinder, a two-man tent and a riding hat. I came out with a loaf, a litre of skimmed milk and some teabags!

The day before, I was in Tesco, buying wine and using the self-checkout, so it had to be approved. When the assistant came over, I asked in a jocular fashion: “Do I need to show you some I.D.?” Without missing a beat, she replied: “That ship has long since sailed.”

Breaking News: Police have arrested three armed men near the Cellarfield nuclear power station.

Just turned down a gig in the Middle East. My agent wanted me to go to Riyadh, but I said No, No, No!