Thinking the Unthinkable...

                                   

Breaking News: King Charles and Prince William are currently viewing various properties in California

With the current El Nino heatwave gubbins, you can tell it’s reached 34°C behind the abattoir, up Scropton Street back snicket. The scrag-end, chavvy mothers are screaming their tonsils off at the kids and using Elizabethan expletives and swearing like they’re auditioning for a Jeremy Kyle reboot. Meanwhile, a Yamaha YZ80 is being scrambled up and down the estate, closely followed by a Thumpstar 140 fitted with what appears to be a drainpipe for an exhaust. Moreover, UB40 is being blasted at approximately 120 decibels because apparently the entire postcode needed to hear Red, Red Wine because the infamous lyrics had slipped from their minuscule craniums. What with all this global warming and drought situations that are currently prevalent, anyone who has dumped a cadaver in Tintwistle reservoir must be getting a bit twitchy now…

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert attended a fancy dress party at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub last weekend. They were both dressed as tea bags. On the way home, they got mugged!

Much later on, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were fast asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. Nora answered, and after a few seconds, she exclaimed, “How should I know? That’s over 200 miles away!” and hung up. Albert asked her, “Who was that? And what did they want?” Nora replied, “I have no idea. Some stupid woman wanted to know if the coast is clear.” The conversations between them grew more surreal by the day. For instance, Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora that his mother-in-law was doing great. “She's gonna get out of the hospital and be with us for decades." "Incredible!" replied Nora "But I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" Barmy Albert says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

Fascinating Fact: It’s ironic that the days of the week are named after gods, because at the moment I’ve no idea what deities.

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: “So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?” SUSAN: “Nah. Couldn't be bothered, mate.”

Riddle me this: If you invited Tess Daly, Seb Coe, Val Kilmer and Hugh Grant to dinner and made them cook, would you end up with a Tess Coe Val Hugh meal?

                               

  

Meanwhile, a French bloke, a young blonde girl, an old lady and a fella wearing a Stalybridge Celtic shirt are all on a train to Manchester. The train goes into a tunnel, and the compartment goes completely dark, at which point a loud wallop is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, the Frenchman is rubbing his jaw. The old lady thinks, "Oh folly, folly! The Frenchman must have gotten handsy with the young lady, so she slapped him. Good for her!" The young blonde thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to get forward with me, but groped the old lady instead, so she slapped him." The Frenchman thinks, "That Stalybridge pig must have touched the blonde girl inappropriately, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me!" And the Stalybridge Celtic fan thinks, " I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap the French geezer again!"

I'm currently listening to an audiobook narrated by Chris Eubank. It's called "Thinking the Unthinkable" It's all about the Titanic...

Have you ever been halfway through eating a horse between two back doors and thought to yourself, “You know, I’m not as hungry as I thought I was!”

Young Woody Eckerslyke is telling his brother Willy that he’s dating an unusual Turkish girl, whose mother was Tunisian and her father Canadian, although one of her grandparents was Albanian and her half-brother is Danish. Willy was astounded and told him that he needed to break up with her. When Woody asked, “Why?” Willy replied: “Too many red flags!”

                                                     

The Travelodge Dorky Door Key Dilemma....

                         

The Travelodge hotel chain says it has made "immediate changes" to its door key policy after a vulnerable female hotel guest was assaulted by a dubious bloke who was given a duplicate key card to her room. I stay in many Travelodge hotels while I’m doing gigs nationwide, and I must confess that a voluptuous blonde woman gained access to my room last week, and when I asked her who she was, she told me her name was Inga. Trying to be funny, I asked her if she was any relation to Ingersoll, the watch. She said: “Yes. The same price, but a different movement…”

Fascinating Fact: An anagram of Nigel Farage is: A leering fag.

Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter saying it may contain peanuts. I understand why aliens don't visit us anymore. Imagine if an alien looked down and witnessed us picking up dog poop. Who would they think is the superior species?

Although I’ve never spoken to the woman next door in 24 years, until today. I’ve discovered that her name is Alice…

                              

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and it was Quiz Night. This question cropped up, and they were asked to name three hits by Meat Loaf. Albert racked his brains and could only come up with ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ and ‘Bat Out of Hell’, and then his mind went blank. Nora opined: “Two out of Three Ain’t Bad…

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out, the babysitter told us to take as long as we like...
That was two years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent...

                              

Young Willy and Woody Eckerslyke arrived late at Stalybridge Train Station along with maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws; however, the train was already leaving the platform. A station worker managed to push Willy and Woody onto the moving train, but Chester was left behind.

The station guard told him: "I'm sorry. I couldn't get you on the train." Chester chortled and smiled and sez: "No problem. The two guys on the train are the ones who'll be sorry." The guard asked: "Why?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: "Because they were only here to see me off."



                           

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was in a quandary. When her dear friend Cynthia passed away, she left her fifty quid in her will, and Elsie couldn’t decide what the safest thing to do with this money. Her husband Tommy told her to put it in the bank. "What if there's a recession?" says Elsie. Tommy reckoned that if the bank fails, then the bank administration guarantees your money back, Elsie was still somewhat perturbed by this scenario. "What if the administration fails?" she asked.
Tommy replied: "If the administration fails, the Bank of England guarantees your money back."
Elsie asked him: "What if the Bank of England goes pear-shaped?" Tommy told her: "If the Bank of England goes into liquidation, the International Monetary Fund would guarantee your money back."
Elsie was still worried and said: "Well, what if the International Monetary Fund goes bust?"
Tommy assured her, "Then the British government will guarantee your money back." "What if the British government went bust?" says Elsie, Tommy, who by now was totally exasperated, told her: "Are you telling me you wouldn't pay fifty quid to see that?"

A blonde goes to the counter and says: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke." The man at the counter tells her: "Madam, this is a library." The blonde whispers: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke."


                            

The Funny, Facetious and Farcical French Frog Legs Farrago...

                                                         

Tameside Police are seeking to arrest a prolific shoplifter who has been stealing sweets and chocolate from local retail outlets by taping them to different parts of his anatomy. A senior police spokesman told this newspaper: "He won’t get far because he’s got a Bounty on his head."

One of billionaire Elon Musk's many children emailed him from his university: Dear Dad, London is wonderful, people are fantastic, and I really do like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train: your son, Tomas. The following day, Elon replied: Dear Son, Thirty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a nice train too. Luv, Dad

A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf together. After a few holes, one guest exclaimed: "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes. Couldn't we ask to play through?" The host replied, "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are partially sighted. They have a special professional who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free." The vicar declared: "Why, that's incredible. What exemplary fortitude they possess! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them; maybe we could get a miracle." The doctor pronounced:  "Well, perhaps I can beat that. I know an ophthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries. I’ll ask him if he could assist with his immense knowledge." The engineer scratched his head for a moment and replied:  "Couldn't they play at night?"

 

Two fascinating Facts: What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle. I just purchased a First Aid Kit because I thought I’d treat myself!.

                               

Andy Burnham was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the cost-of-living crisis for the elderly. He went up to octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair, and because he’d only been Prime Minister for a few weeks, he asked her: “Do you know who I am?” Elsie replied: “No, I don’t, but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”



Meanwhile, over at Tameside College, Young Willy Eckerslye sauntered into the lecture room, only to discover his physics professor face down on his desk, crying inconsolably. Willie put his hand on his shoulder and asked him: “Hey. What’s the matter?” The professor replied: “Anything that has mass and takes up space….”

Non-Stick Nora phoned Currys PC World, and the call went thus: “Hi, we bought a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The Tech Services guy told her: “Press the big button.” She answered: “I’ve done that already.” He continued: “Try the cord at the back of the PC. Maybe it’s disconnected?” Nora sez: “Hang on. I’ll go and fetch a torch. Don’t go away, I’ll only be a minute.” The Tech Services guy asked her: “Why on earth do you need a torch?” She told him: “It’s dark. We have no electricity….”




Little Tarquin was crying because he was lost in town and stopped a policeman. He told him that he couldn’t find his daddy. The efficient copper asked him: "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" The policeman asked: “How old is your father?” Little Tarquin replied, “As old as me.” The copper laughed and sez: “How can that be?” He answered: “Well, he didn't become a father until I was born.” ” It's people like David Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that give kids a bad name...

 

I took the missus out for dinner last weekend.  We visited a new French restaurant up Scropton Street.  The wife had frog legs and chicken thighs, but she’s got a wonderful personality....

 

When I was a kid, my dad always told me that the jingle of the ice cream van meant they had sold out.

 

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside Colgate head office keeps disappearing.

 

When a Righteous Brother sang: "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips." His missus sez: "Hold it right there, mister, there's only one way you'd know that!"

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just for your own information, you can have a ton of gravel dropped off in your ex's driveway for a mere fifty quid.

 

In Romania, a geezer entered the bar and announced: “Free beers outside!” So, everyone in the bar, except the bartender, legged it outside in excitement. The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man, “What in Tarnation did you do that for? Now I have no customers!!” The man sez: “Sorry landlord, I  honestly didn’t reckon any of those blokes would be brave enough to fight one grizzly beer, let alone three of them”

                                        

I wondered if you have noticed the striking resemblance between the new Lord Mayor of Manchester and the Rt. Hon Edmund Blackadder, and does the former have a cunning plan?