Tameside Police are seeking to arrest a thief who has been stealing sweets and chocolate by taping them to different parts of his anatomy. A senior police spokesman told this newspaper: "He won’t get far because he’s got a Bounty on his head."
One of billionaire Elon Musk's many children emailed him
from his university: Dear Dad, London is wonderful, people are fantastic, and I
really do like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my
limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many
fellow students travel by train: your son, Tomas. The following day, Elon
replied: Dear Son, Thirty-five million dollars has just been transferred to
your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a nice train
too. Dad
A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf
together. After a few holes, one guest exclaimed: "That foursome ahead of
us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough,
four-putting holes. Couldn't we ask to play through?" The host replied,
"No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are partially sighted. They have
a special professional who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them
play free." The vicar declared: "Why, that's incredible. What exemplary
fortitude they possess! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them; maybe we
could get a miracle." The doctor pronounced: "Well, perhaps I can beat that. I know an
ophthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries. I’ll
ask him if he could assist with his immense knowledge." The engineer
scratched his head for a moment and replied: "Couldn't they play at night?"
Two fascinating Facts: What's the opposite of a
croissant? A happy uncle. I just purchased a First Aid Kit because I thought
I’d treat myself!.
As my wife and I were leaving for a night out, the
babysitter told us to take as long as we like...
That was two years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent...
Little Johnnie was crying because he was lost in town and
stopped a policeman. He told him that he couldn’t find his daddy. The efficient copper asked him: "What's
he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" The policeman
asked: “How old is your father?” Little Johnnie replied, “As old as me.” The
copper laughed and sez: “How can that be?” He answered: “Well, he didn't become
a father until I was born.”
I took the missus out for dinner last weekend. We visited a new French restaurant up
Scropton Street. The wife had frog legs
and chicken thighs, but she’s got a wonderful personality....
When I was a kid, my dad always told me that the jingle
of the ice cream van meant they had sold out.
Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall
outside Colgate head office keeps disappearing.
When a Righteous Brother sang: "You never close your
eyes anymore when I kiss your lips." His missus sez: "Hold it right
there, mister, there's only one way you'd know that!"
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just for your own
information, you can have a ton of gravel dropped off in your ex's driveway for
a mere fifty quid.
In Romania, a geezer entered the bar and announced: “Free
beers outside!” So, everyone in the bar, except the bartender, legged it
outside in excitement. The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man, “What in
Tarnation did you do that for? Now I have no customers!!” The man sez: “Sorry landlord,
I honestly didn’t reckon any of those blokes
would be brave enough to fight one grizzly beer, let alone three of them”
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