The Travelodge hotel chain says it has made "immediate changes" to its door key policy after a vulnerable female hotel guest was assaulted by a dubious bloke who was given a duplicate key card to her room. I stay in many Travelodge hotels while I’m doing gigs nationwide, and I must confess that a voluptuous blonde woman gained access to my room last week, and when I asked her who she was, she told me her name was Inga. Trying to be funny, I asked her if she was any relation to Ingersoll, the watch. She said: “Yes. The same price, but a different movement…”
Fascinating Fact: An anagram of Nigel Farage is: A leering fag.
Whenever I see a warning label on peanut butter saying it may contain peanuts. I understand why aliens don't visit us anymore. Imagine if an alien looked down and witnessed us picking up dog poop. Who would they think is the superior species?
Although I’ve never spoken to the woman next door in 24 years, until today. I’ve discovered that her name is Alice…
Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and it was Quiz Night. This question cropped up, and they were asked to name three hits by Meat Loaf. Albert racked his brains and could only come up with ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’ and ‘Bat Out of Hell’, and then his mind went blank. Nora opined: “Two out of Three Ain’t Bad…
As my wife and I were leaving for a night out, the babysitter told us to take as long as we like...
That was two years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent...
Young Willy and Woody Eckerslyke arrived late at Stalybridge Train Station along with maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws; however, the train was already leaving the platform. A station worker managed to push Willy and Woody onto the moving train, but Chester was left behind.
The station guard told him: "I'm sorry. I couldn't get you on the train." Chester chortled and smiled and sez: "No problem. The two guys on the train are the ones who'll be sorry." The guard asked: "Why?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: "Because they were only here to see me off."
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was in a quandary. When her dear friend Cynthia passed away, she left her fifty quid in her will, and Elsie couldn’t decide what the safest thing to do with this money. Her husband Tommy told her to put it in the bank. "What if there's a recession?" says Elsie. Tommy reckoned that if the bank fails, then the bank administration guarantees your money back, Elsie was still somewhat perturbed by this scenario. "What if the administration fails?" she asked.
Tommy replied: "If the administration fails, the Bank of England guarantees your money back."
Elsie asked him: "What if the Bank of England goes pear-shaped?" Tommy told her: "If the Bank of England goes into liquidation, the International Monetary Fund would guarantee your money back."
Elsie was still worried and said: "Well, what if the International Monetary Fund goes bust?"
Tommy assured her, "Then the British government will guarantee your money back." "What if the British government went bust?" says Elsie, Tommy, who by now was totally exasperated, told her: "Are you telling me you wouldn't pay fifty quid to see that?"
A blonde goes to the counter and says: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke." The man at the counter tells her: "Madam, this is a library." The blonde whispers: "I'd like to order fries and a Coke."
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