The Funny, Facetious and Farcical French Frog Legs Farrago...

                                                         

Tameside Police are seeking to arrest a prolific shoplifter who has been stealing sweets and chocolate from local retail outlets by taping them to different parts of his anatomy. A senior police spokesman told this newspaper: "He won’t get far because he’s got a Bounty on his head."

One of billionaire Elon Musk's many children emailed him from his university: Dear Dad, London is wonderful, people are fantastic, and I really do like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train: your son, Tomas. The following day, Elon replied: Dear Son, Thirty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a nice train too. Luv, Dad

A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were playing golf together. After a few holes, one guest exclaimed: "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes. Couldn't we ask to play through?" The host replied, "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are partially sighted. They have a special professional who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free." The vicar declared: "Why, that's incredible. What exemplary fortitude they possess! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them; maybe we could get a miracle." The doctor pronounced:  "Well, perhaps I can beat that. I know an ophthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries. I’ll ask him if he could assist with his immense knowledge." The engineer scratched his head for a moment and replied:  "Couldn't they play at night?"

 

Two fascinating Facts: What's the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle. I just purchased a First Aid Kit because I thought I’d treat myself!.

                               

Andy Burnham was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the cost-of-living crisis for the elderly. He went up to octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair, and because he’d only been Prime Minister for a few weeks, he asked her: “Do you know who I am?” Elsie replied: “No, I don’t, but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”



Meanwhile, over at Tameside College, Young Willy Eckerslye sauntered into the lecture room, only to discover his physics professor face down on his desk, crying inconsolably. Willie put his hand on his shoulder and asked him: “Hey. What’s the matter?” The professor replied: “Anything that has mass and takes up space….”

Non-Stick Nora phoned Currys PC World, and the call went thus: “Hi, we bought a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The Tech Services guy told her: “Press the big button.” She answered: “I’ve done that already.” He continued: “Try the cord at the back of the PC. Maybe it’s disconnected?” Nora sez: “Hang on. I’ll go and fetch a torch. Don’t go away, I’ll only be a minute.” The Tech Services guy asked her: “Why on earth do you need a torch?” She told him: “It’s dark. We have no electricity….”




Little Tarquin was crying because he was lost in town and stopped a policeman. He told him that he couldn’t find his daddy. The efficient copper asked him: "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" The policeman asked: “How old is your father?” Little Tarquin replied, “As old as me.” The copper laughed and sez: “How can that be?” He answered: “Well, he didn't become a father until I was born.” ” It's people like David Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that give kids a bad name...

 

I took the missus out for dinner last weekend.  We visited a new French restaurant up Scropton Street.  The wife had frog legs and chicken thighs, but she’s got a wonderful personality....

 

When I was a kid, my dad always told me that the jingle of the ice cream van meant they had sold out.

 

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside Colgate head office keeps disappearing.

 

When a Righteous Brother sang: "You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips." His missus sez: "Hold it right there, mister, there's only one way you'd know that!"

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Just for your own information, you can have a ton of gravel dropped off in your ex's driveway for a mere fifty quid.

 

In Romania, a geezer entered the bar and announced: “Free beers outside!” So, everyone in the bar, except the bartender, legged it outside in excitement. The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man, “What in Tarnation did you do that for? Now I have no customers!!” The man sez: “Sorry landlord, I  honestly didn’t reckon any of those blokes would be brave enough to fight one grizzly beer, let alone three of them”

                                        

I wondered if you have noticed the striking resemblance between the new Lord Mayor of Manchester and the Rt. Hon Edmund Blackadder, and does the former have a cunning plan?