Thinking the Unthinkable...

                                   

With the current heatwave gubbins, you can tell it’s reached 34°C behind the abattoir, up Scropton Street back snicket. The scrag-end, chavvy mothers are screaming their tonsils off at the kids and using Elizabethan expletives and swearing like they’re auditioning for a Jeremy Kyle reboot. Meanwhile, a Yamaha YZ80 is being scrambled up and down the estate, closely followed by a Thumpstar 140 fitted with what appears to be a drainpipe for an exhaust. Moreover, UB40 is being blasted at approximately 120 decibels because apparently the entire postcode needed to hear Red, Red Wine because the infamous lyrics had slipped from their minuscule craniums. What with all this global warming and drought situations that are currently prevalent, anyone who has dumped a cadaver in Tintwistle reservoir must be getting a bit twitchy now…

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert attended a fancy dress party at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub last weekend. They were both dressed as tea bags. On the way home, they got mugged!

Much later on, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were fast asleep when the phone rang at 2 a.m. Nora answered, and after a few seconds, she exclaimed, “How should I know? That’s over 200 miles away!” and hung up. Albert asked her, “Who was that? And what did they want?” Nora replied, “I have no idea. Some stupid woman wanted to know if the coast is clear.” The conversations between them grew more surreal by the day. For instance, Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora that his mother-in-law was doing great. “She's gonna get out of the hospital and be with us for decades." "Incredible!" replied Nora "But I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" Barmy Albert says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

Fascinating Fact: It’s ironic that the days of the week are named after gods, because at the moment I’ve no idea what deities.

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: “So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?” SUSAN: “Nah. Couldn't be bothered, mate.”

Riddle me this: If you invited Tess Daly, Seb Coe, Val Kilmer and Hugh Grant to dinner and made them cook, would you end up with a Tess Coe Val Hugh meal?

                               

  

Meanwhile, a French bloke, a young blonde girl, an old lady and a fella wearing a Stalybridge Celtic shirt are all on a train to Manchester. The train goes into a tunnel, and the compartment goes completely dark, at which point a loud wallop is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, the Frenchman is rubbing his jaw. The old lady thinks, "Oh folly, folly! The Frenchman must have gotten handsy with the young lady, so she slapped him. Good for her!" The young blonde thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to get forward with me, but groped the old lady instead, so she slapped him." The Frenchman thinks, "That Stalybridge pig must have touched the blonde girl inappropriately, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me!" And the Stalybridge Celtic fan thinks, " I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap the French geezer again!"

I'm currently listening to an audiobook narrated by Chris Eubank. It's called "Thinking the Unthinkable" It's all about the Titanic...

Have you ever been halfway through eating a horse between two back doors and thought to yourself, “You know, I’m not as hungry as I thought I was!”

Young Woody Eckerslyke is telling his brother Willy that he’s dating an unusual Turkish girl, whose mother was Tunisian and her father Canadian, although one of her grandparents was Albanian and her half-brother is Danish. Willy was astounded and told him that he needed to break up with her. When Woody asked, “Why?” Willy replied: “Too many red flags!”