Storm Austin by Steven P Taylor....

 

Don’t bring on this ‘Storm Austin,
Don’t bring on this wind,
Get back to the norm Austin,
Make this gust rescind.

Make the weather warm, Austin,
Shut out all this cold,
Don’t mess with the form, Austin,
Consider yourself told.

You’re taking all the blame Austin,
You’re taking all the crap.
Don’t bring on this ‘Storm, Austin’
There’s a proper chap.

Never give two names...

                                    

BREAKING NEWS: A hospital porter was sacked amid bullying claims. A spokesman said, "he was always pushing people around!"

Having a dog is basically just being the Imperial Wizard of a very small parade into the kitchenette for approximately one hundred times a day!

Genie: “You have three wishes. What is your first wish?”

Barmy Albert: “I wish there were no more lawyers.”

Genie: “Your wish is granted. You have used up all your wishes.”

Barmy Albert: “But you said I had three wishes.”

Genie: “Sue me!”


                                         

Fascinating Fact; There is a bloke on the This Morning programme on telly who is sexually attracted to seaweed. I think he should sea kelp.



I reckon that I'm only fat because I'm clumsy and keep walking into things. Like Domino’s Pizza, chip shops and Greggs bakery!



I’ve just spotted a post on a girl's Facebook wall. It said she was looking for a friend with benefits. I replied to her: "I'm on Universal Credit, babe!"

                                       

 



My daughter Suzie is expecting a baby and we were discussing suitable names, and she told me that she wanted something original." I suggested: "What about Werthers?”



TOP TIP: If your wife asks you to make a bird table, do not put her sixth on the list.



Fascinating Fact: I have it on good authority that junction 6 of the M60 is for Sale.

                               

                                     

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and a shady character tried to sell me an "antique conker" the other day, but I wasn't falling for that old chestnut. A few minutes later, A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle I said to my mate Barmy Albert: "It's going to kick off in a minute!"

                               

What with the exorbitant price of fuel nowadays, they really had got fuel economy mastered to a fine art in the Middle Ages. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus did over 4000 miles to the West Indies on a mere three galleons. In fact, money has got so tight recently. As a whiskey connoisseur, that's no joke. It's got so bad that I'm now drinking Unknown Grouse!



Can someone tell me if it’s true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up? I await a reply with bated breath...



Yesterday, I spoke on the telephone to a geezer called Guy Chapman. Technically speaking, his name roughly translates to: Bloke-Bloke- Bloke.



Non-Stick Nora has gone hi-tech and is now selling batteries in our local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw! Who’d a thowt it!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

Top Tip: Surprise the missus by booking a romantic Paris city break, to rekindle your relationship or to celebrate your wedding anniversary….

 

The Man You Knighted....

                            

Many happy returns to Brian Blessed. Not many people know that Brian Blessed is a highly accomplished horse whisperer; However, he has to stand in the next field.



Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having one of their surreal conversations: Nora sez: "You remember Tommy Grabknuckle, the bloke who used to smoke forty Benson and Hedges cigarettes a day? Well, I saw him the other day, and he hadn't had a cigarette in months. That's willpower. And remember Chester draws the alcoholic? Well, now he's the leader of the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Now that's willpower," Albert sighs. "Okay, you want to see willpower? How about I start sleeping in the guest room every night? We'll see who has willpower" Three months later, they are still sleeping separately when Nora knocks on the guest room door in the middle of the night. She let herself in. "I'm not sure if you heard, but Chester Draws is drinking again!"

                                    

I once spotted Sir Alex Ferguson sauntering out of Buckingham Palace. I remember asking the Queen, “Was that the man you knighted?”



Finding one of her pupils gurning faces at others on the playground, Miss Turtle stopped to gently reprimand the kid. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Turtle, you can't say you weren't warned." You can say whatever you want about Miss Turtle, but she tortoise well!

                                         

The Uber driver spouted inane drivel constantly. I asked him: “Have you been doing this for long?” "Yeah, about twenty odd years now," the driver replies." Ah, so you must know the area pretty well then?" I continued. “Like the back of my hand,” the driver answers. “You really get to know the ins and outs of a place when you're driving it day after day. You see many of the same faces in your back seat, recognise people going about their same daily routines. Of course, the people inevitably change but the spirit of the place really does stay the same. Anyways, why do you ask?” I replied: “It's just that you passed my house five streets ago!”


                                                 
Just back from a Tameside Hospital appointment. Apparently, I’ve got a condition that turns my skin Battleship Grey. I’ve been informed that dad was A Carrier.