Never give two names...

                                    

BREAKING NEWS: A hospital porter was sacked amid bullying claims. A spokesman said, "he was always pushing people around!"

Having a dog is basically just being the grand marshal of a very small parade into the kitchenette for approximately one hundred times a day!

Genie: “You have three wishes. What is your first wish?”

Barmy Albert: “I wish there were no more lawyers.”

Genie: “Your wish is granted. You have used up all your wishes.”

Barmy Albert: “But you said I had three wishes.”

Genie: “Sue me!”


                                         

Fascinating Fact; There is a bloke on the This Morning programme on telly who is sexually attracted to seaweed. I think he should sea kelp.



I reckon that I'm only fat because I'm clumsy and keep walking into things. Like Domino’s Pizza, chip shops and Greggs bakery!



I’ve just spotted a post on a girl's Facebook wall. It said she was looking for a friend with benefits. I replied to her: "I'm on Universal Credit, babe!"



My daughter Suzie is expecting a baby and we were discussing suitable names, and she told me that she wanted something original." I suggested: "What about Werthers?”



TOP TIP: If your wife asks you to make a bird table, do not put her sixth on the list.



Fascinating Fact: I have it on good authority that junction 6 of the M60 is for Sale.

                               

                                     

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and a shady character tried to sell me an "antique conker" the other day, but I wasn't falling for that old chestnut. A few minutes later, A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle I said to my mate Barmy Albert: "It's going to kick off in a minute!"

                               

What with the exorbitant price of fuel nowadays, they really had got fuel economy mastered to a fine art in the Middle Ages. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus did over 4000 miles to the West Indies on a mere three galleons. In fact, money has got so tight recently. As a whiskey connoisseur, that's no joke. It's got so bad that I'm now drinking Unknown Grouse!



Can someone tell me if it’s true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up? I await a reply with bated breath...



Yesterday, I spoke on the telephone to a geezer called Guy Chapman. Technically speaking, his name roughly translates to: Bloke-Bloke- Bloke.



Non-Stick Nora has gone hi-tech and is now selling batteries in our local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw! Who’d a thowt it!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or email me:comedianuk@sky.com