Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, Starmer should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send David Lammy round with a rake!
Parliament is where an inveterate liar gets up to speak, says nowt, nobody listens and then everybody disagrees. That’s the measure of politicians. It reminds me of the priest who was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was selected to deliver the presentation and give a brief speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to share a few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a car, had thieved money from his parents, embezzled from his place of work, had an affair with his boss’s wife, and taken illegal class A drugs. I was utterly appalled. But as time elapsed, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a community full of upstanding, fine and caring folk". Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. "I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
I've invented a new range of concrete birdseed. It’s impeccable. I also invented an acid that would burn through anything, but I can’t find nowt to put it in.
I managed to get on Dragon's Den with some of my other brainwaves. Of course, necessity is the mother of invention. When you’re caravanning or camping, then space is at an absolute premium, so I created a folding bottle that I called a ‘Fottle’ and Duncan Bannatyne said it was a rubbish concept. Unfazed, I pressed on, informing him, "Well, I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a ‘Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. Feeling thoroughly dejected, I left the Dragons' Den and I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...
Non-Stick Nora phoned BT Directory Enquiries. She sez: “I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Stalybridge, please.” Operator: “'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?” Nora replied: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off.”
I had a bad day on Facebook yesterday. I’m still unsure exactly what to comment on a photo of a new baby, but I now know that it isn’t “Yikes!”
Fascinating Fact: A group of wolves is called a "pack". A group of teenagers is called a "whatever."
If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of being raised in a barn and want to talk about it, then remember my door is always open…
There was a spotty precocious youth sprawled on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"
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