Crazy Davey Swazee, a political science student, was compiling a thesis explaining what happened when he wore a Kier Starmer T-shirt for a whole week. So far, he’s been sworn at, spat at, pushed and slapped. He’s been left wondering what will happen when he leaves the house!
Last Sunday, my daughter Suzie called around and whilst having a cup of tea, she shouted, “Alexa, play ‘Let it Go’.” I told her that when I was her age, I had to phone up the BBC Light Programme, wait on hold for an hour to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play, so that I could record it. She then advised me: “I honestly don't know what any of that means.”
Young Willy Eckerslyke and his brother Woody stagger out of The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub after a long night playing darts and dominoes, jump in the car, and start driving. A couple of minutes pass, and there's a tap on the window. Willy turns and screams, “There’s an old man’s ghost face at the window!” Woody then puts his foot right down on the accelerator, but the face remains there. The old man taps again and says softly: “You got any chewing gum?” The terrified Willy hands him a Wrigley's Spearmint and screams to his brother Woody, “STEP ON IT!” A few minutes later, they're laughing nervously when—tap-tap- tap—the old man's back, with a cigar in his gob! “Do you have a light?” he whispers. The lighter is passed quickly out of the window, and Willy shouts, “Drive!” Now the speedometer reads 100 mph, they are both white-knuckled and perspiring, when once again—tap-tap-tap. The window is rolled down slowly... “WHAT NOW?” Young Willy screams. The old fella smiles and sez calmly: “Do you need a push getting out of this mud?”
Non-Stick Nora was enjoying a game of bingo with all her friends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and get tea ready for Barmy Albert. " When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a tin of Whiskas cat food. With no time to go to Aldi, she opened the tin of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted Albert warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it and announced, "Nora, this is the best dinner you've made me in twenty-five years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every bingo day from then on, Nora made Albert the exact same grub. She told her bingo partners about it, and they were all flabbergasted. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, Albert was in Tameside hospital with numerous fractures and severe cuts and bruises. The women were sitting around the bingo hall and one of them said, "You nearly killed him. We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would have serious consequences!” "How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you caused serious injuries to your husband?" With all the dignity that she could muster, Non-Stick Nora stoically replied, "I didn't injure him at all. He fell off the shed roof when he was chasing a pigeon." Don’t ask meow!
Q: What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A: A Cameron Diaz
My mate Dave works as a road sweeper. I asked him, "What qualifications do you need for that job?" He replied: "None, you just pick it up as you go along!"
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
No comments:
Post a Comment