Every Halloween, a funeral director I know always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there were ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be absolutely hilarious! Bonfire night looms ominously in the future, too. Rumour has it that you should never return to a firework that hasn’t gone off. My back garden has been off-limits since 2001.
Last Sunday, I decided not to alter all the clocks. I’m just gonna watch ITV+1 for the next six months
Avoid burning your Hawaiian pizza by setting the oven at aloha temperature.
The wedding ceremony reached an awkward moment when the vicar asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts ambling towards the priest. The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued as the bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back." And that, dear reader, illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.
Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick-or-Treating:
10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.
8. You ask for high fibre treats only.
7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. Folk say, “Brilliant Kier Starmer mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens, you shout: “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a zimmer frame.
1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.
I remember going to Blackpool for my holidays, and I went on a donkey. It took me a fortnight to get there.
After six attempts, Non-Stick Nora finally passed her driving test. Barmy Albert asked if her if he could buy her something as a celebratory present. She told him, "Just something cheap to run around in. So, he bought her a pair of trainers from Aldi....
Fascinating Fact: Work out how dead you are by simply putting the percentage sign after your age.
If you’re skint and desperately need a job, then apply to Search and Rescue. Apparently, they’re always looking for people.
If drinking alcohol damages short-term memory, then just imagine what drinking alcohol can do.
If you fancy a pre-Christmas laugh, then why not book for my comedy show at the Premier Lounge, Audenshaw, M34 5LP on 14th December. Irish comic Dusty Young and comedy songsmith Dom Collins will be appearing with me. It’ll be a reet good chortle. Contact the venue on 0161 337 9283 and book early!
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