The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!
Get your head around this. The new Chief Constable of Merseyside has to find savings of £31 million. Meanwhile, Liverpool FC is buying a player for £125 million! The maths are easy. Draw your own conclusions about the state of our society. We’re all doomed!
A Police traffic officer was patrolling late at night around Stalybridge and Mottram. At almost midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in a cul-de-sac lane, with the interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer shufty. He observes a young bloke behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young lady in the rear seat, filing her nails. Somewhat perplexed by this unusual scenario, the efficient policeman walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The copper asks: "What are you up to, at this late hour?" The young fella sez: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the traffic cop asked: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the copper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a dark lane, and nothing is happening! The traffic cop asks: "How old are you, young man?" The young guy tells him, "I'm 21, sir." The policeman then asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man glances at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
An invisible man married an invisible woman. Not sure what they see in each other. Their kids are nothing to look at either.
Are you skint and have to use the food bank, but worried the neighbours will see you with all those bags? Do what I do and wear a tuxedo and carry it back in a cello case.
At the Scropton Street Women's Association, Non-Stick Nora was conducting a seminar on female empowerment and how to coexist in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" Every woman raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't recollect. The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husbands - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the reply they received in response to their text message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest manner?
1 Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you ill or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you prang the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
As I was driving home last night, I spotted a group of folks on all fours in the central reservation who appeared to be eating grass. I stopped the car and asked what was going on. The bloke told me that they were asylum seekers who had come over from Calais and rather than go on the Bibby Stockholm migrant barge or to Rwanda, they had decided to fend for themselves. They had no money or resources and therefore were forced to eat grass. There was this middle-aged Albanian bloke and his three younger brothers.
I was utterly astounded at their predicament and told them to get into my car, because I intended to take them all to my house. I’d only travelled about 500 yards when I spied another group of people on their hands and knees eating grass. I asked the bloke if he knew who they were. He told me in broken English that they were other male members of his Albanian family who were also destitute and forced to eat grass.
He asked me if I could pick up these other members of his family and take them all to my house. It was then that I got quite annoyed and said to him “Hang on a minute! How big do you think my lawn is?”
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