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Monday, 16 November 2009

Army Structure...

I went to a party at my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife last night, where me and my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert, enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick. Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24 hour period. You may experience cider effects.

I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on ones feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

Of course, the following day, she was quite offhand with me. I was sitting on the sofa watching Deal Or No Deal when I heard her voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for tea, lovely? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I replied, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Don’t be stoopid. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat." Hell hath no fury innit!

Christmas Gift Idea! Japanese scientists have created a digital camera that has such a rapid shutter speed that it can take a picture of a woman with her gob shut! Incredible innovation innit!

Last week, I was driving to a gig in Chester and my Sat-Nav said ‘Bear left’ and there was Chester Zoo! How brilliant is that? Terrific technology!

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

Feeling a bit down? Brighten up your day by doing the following:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Gordon Brown ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Disclaimer: the accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts undisputed after more than 2 minutes after the document is printed become uncontrovertible truths.

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