A job is nice but it interferes with my life. Some people’s occupation sometimes reflect their individual persona. Just like the wife (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) who has over the years, lost many a good job through the sack. She had to pack her last job in. She had contracted rheumatism in her shoulder and consequently couldn’t throw the harpoon any more. After that most unfortunate farrago, she secured employment with the local council in the capacity of a gritter over the Woodhead Pass. My grandfather, now he was a proper British craftsman if there ever was one. He used to stain floors. He didn’t mean to…… Many folk become thoroughly absorbed in their chosen trade. For example, what about the gravedigger, who was so carried away with his work, that he dug a pit so deep one afternoon that he couldn’t climb out when he had finished. Come nightfall and evening’s chill, his predicament became more uncomfortable. He shouted for help and finally attracted the attention of a drunken fella who was staggering by. " I’m a gravedigger. Get me out of here," he pleaded. "I’m freezing cold!" The inebriated geezer peered into the open grave and finally spotted the shivering digger in the darkness. "Well, no wonder you’re cold, pal," said the drunk, kicking some of the loose sods and soil into the hole. "You haven’t got any dirt on you." He’d obviously lost the plot!
Long before we get to Movember, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month, then I’m doing Octoblerone. I’m also taking a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send £10.
When a florist goes to a barber for a haircut, it starts an unbelievable chain of events! After the trim, he was about to pay and the barber informs him: “I’m not accepting any money from you. I’m helping the community of the town today.” The florist was quite touched by this and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop after lunch, there is a thank you card and a magnificent bouquet of flowers waiting for him. Later, the local bobby comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay, the barber again informs him: “I’m not accepting cash from anyone today, I’m helping the local community all day.” ‘The policeman is well chuffed and leaves the shop. Later that afternoon, when the barber goes put out the cat, there is another thank you note and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay, the barber again replies: I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service all day.” The professor is most impressed by the hairdresser’s benevolence and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank you letter and a dozen different books there. Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a trim and when he attempts to pay, the barber again says: “I cannot accept any money from you. I’m helping the local community today.” The Member of Parliament is absolutely amazed and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and our Members of Parliament.
Barmy Albert is sitting on the bank of the river with a salmon wriggling in a net and an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer advises Albert: "Do you know it's illegal to poach salmon out of this river – you have to possess a fishing licence?” Albert sez to the officer: "No this is Sid, my pet salmon. I bring him down here every day and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back." "Absolute rubbish!” the officer replies. So Barmy Albert places the salmon in the water and sez: "Just watch this." The salmon swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer asks: "Well, where's the salmon then?" Albert replies: "What salmon?"
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it awful, it's awful!
These are difficult times, so I’m going to keep my eyes peeled and my ears to the ground. I’m going to keep my head down and try not get anyone’s back up. I’m not going to point my finger at anyone but I’m not going to stick my neck out either. I’ll always cover my backside and I won’t stick my nose in anyone else’s business. Of course, I’m still going to dip an odd toe in the water but I’ll try not to put my foot in it. Furthermore, my local prosthetics shop has changed hands and prices now cost an arm and a leg. If you need to tickle your funny bone, with stuff that’s humerus, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and crank up your cranium!
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