“They’re eating the pets of the people who live there,” Donald Trump shouted during the ABC debate last week, as vice-president Kamala Harris laughed disbelievingly. What exactly were they scoffing? Roast beef and Yorkshire Terrier?
The sheep spend their whole lives fearing the wolf. However, their eventual demise is determined by their trusted guardian, the shepherd. Once you understand this fascinating fact, then the farrago radically alters and you can begin to comprehend the idiosyncrasies of politics. Moreover, an identical principle applies if someone is murdered. In this case, the police would automatically assume that the spouse of the unfortunate victim is the prime suspect. This scenario also tells you virtually everything you need to know about marriage…
Non-Stick Nora collared Barmy Albert and proclaimed: “The circus is coming to town and they have an amazing dancing bear and I’d love to go and see it!” Albert told her that he was busy at work, but they could go next year. The following day, Nora told Albert that the next-door neighbours went and they had acrobats on the tightrope and they were doing the Hokey-Cokey right up there on the wire! Albert sez: “I’d love to take you, but I’m snowed under at work.” The next day, Nora was ecstatic when Albert arrived home and she gushed: “The newsagent told me that he went and they had a dozen clowns who all jumped out of a tiny car and they all did the Can-Can, then the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was so romantic! Can’t we go? It’s the last day tomorrow.” Barmy Albert reneges and phones his workmate Sid to go in and cover for him. The next day, Albert’s boss notices he’s absent and asks Sid where he is. Sid replied: “Oh. Albert can’t come in today, due to four unseen circus dances.”
Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, a lifelong Elvis fan was marrying for the fourth time. I interviewed her for an article in this newspaper. I asked her what her first three husbands did for a living. With a saturnine grimace, she told me; “My first hubby was a bank manager, after that I wed the lead singer of a rock group, then after that, I married the local vicar. Finally, I got married to a funeral director.” I asked her why the four men all had such diverse careers and she replied: “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go”
Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, I got knocked over by a cyclist. It was entirely my own fault. I was walking on the pavement.
Nod your head if you make every endeavour to breathe more quietly whilst walking up a steep hill, so bystanders can’t hear you fighting for your life, like you’re being throttled by The Stalybridge Strangler!
Are you totally fed up waiting for the water to commence boiling while you’re making spaghetti? Why not boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it in readiness for the weekend. Follow this column each week for more of my household tips.
I actually made a car from left-over spaghetti. The missus didn’t believe me until I drove pasta. My new car has a button for everything! There is even a button that says: ‘Rear Wiper’. However, I’m still afraid to try that one….
In days of yore, windows were an oblong glass aperture in a room. Whereas, application was for a job. Keyboard was an instrument used by Russ Conway and a mouse would be half of the Tom and Jerry cartoon partnership. A file would be indexed in a metal cabinet drawer and hard drive was an arduous car journey. Cut was with a knife and paste was with Solvite when you wallpapered the room. Web was a spider’s lair and Apple and Blackberry merely fruits! Just clickety-click on www.Comedian UK.com and enlighten your abode and exercise your guffaw glands!
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