Oasis soup - You gotta roll with it!

                                                               

Barmy Albert has been patiently waiting fifteen years for Oasis to reform, only to lose out on a ticket, because 18 year old Chardonnay from Doncaster just wanted to hear Wonderwall live!  Apparently, I’ve just spotted an Oasis ticket on sale for a staggering £6,000!  Or they will swap for a GP appointment....  Who’d a thowt it!

 

When Barmy Alberts lawn mower broke and went kaput, Non-Stick Nora kept hinting to him that he should get it repaired forthwith. Somehow, he always had summat more important to take care of first, like golf competitions, the lap-dancing club, bowling, darts and dominoes or brewing beer. There was always some other activity or something that took precedence. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When he arrived home one day, he found her crouching in the long grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. Albert watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a minute, when he came out and he handed Nora a toothbrush and proclaimed: "When you finish cutting the grass, you may as well sweep the driveway too." That's when the fight started. The consultant at Tameside hospital reckon that he will walk again, but he’ll always have a profound limp and an eccentric gait.

 

“Waiter! This soup is cold!” “It’s Gazpacho, sir…”  “Gazpacho!  This soup is cold!”  The waiter then came over to the table and told me: “Sir, your wife has just slid under the table!”  I sez: “No she hasn’t. My wife has just come through the door….”

                              

 

For Sale: Signed photo of John Lennons wife. £10 Ono.

 

Good news is that I’ve got a job washing dishes. Bad news is that it’s at Jodrell Bank…

 

My Dad used to say “Money. You can’t take it with you’” We had some terrible holidays in Rhyl. I recollect walking along the beach one morning singing “Puppet on a String” whilst thinking to myself., this is a sandy shore...

 

I really don't like to gloat, but I've just had a lovely letter from the Inland Revenue informing me that all my tax returns are outstanding....

 

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.

That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency. Follow me for more household tips.

 

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladder’s hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look, ‘that’s a lovely fire engine,’ he says admiringly. ‘Thanks,’ says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s tail. ‘Little colleague,’ says the fire-fighter, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.’ The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman’s eyes and says ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?’

 

I asked my pal Dave what it was like living in Surrey.   He sez: "Oh, you know... it has its Epsom Downs"

 

A Geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm. The hairdresser replied: "I wandered lernly as a clood”  She sez: “Whenever I lift me arm up and sniff, it stinks of coconuts”  The hairdresser sez: “It’s Bounty!”

                                       

I just wanted everyone to know that whoever has been in contact with me in the last seven days should stay indoors and contact your nearest test centre. I’m so sorry to all of my friends and family and those who have been in close proximity to me. I have had symptoms for a few days now and it has just been confirmed. I have been diagnosed with being amazing, awesome, hilarious, and completely off my rocker. I was told there is no cure as of yet for all four of these symptoms. If you visit my website www.Comedianuk.com you can see what the problem is.  You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com  Now, get back to work!