The Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora Farrago.....

                                              

Ladies. Listen up! I‘ve heard that the male version of Alexa is now on the market to make wives and girlfriends  feel more comfortable and included.  It's called 'Alex' and you have to ask it to do summat ten times and then wait for six months.

 

Success at last! I just thought I'd let everyone know that I passed my paintball exam last week, with flying colours.

 

Knock- Knock.

Who’s there?

Haggard.

Haggard who?

Push pineapple-Shake the tree.

 

The wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table. I took a good run at it, but unfortunately, I tripped over the dog and broke the spout off the teapot. Moreover, on Bank Holiday Monday, she suggested that we do unspeakable things. However, reading Welsh railway stations signs wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

 

My little electric car broke down yesterday morning. I had to call out the AAA. Furthermore, I've just finished converting my van to electric. I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer, it wouldn't start at first, before I realised I hadn't shut the door properly, then I took it for a spin!

                                           

 

Gardening Tip: The best way to get rid of slugs in your garden is to put down a saucerful of beer. The slugs drink the beer and end up absolutely paralytic drunk. Then they all go down to the local chip shop:  “Fish, chips and mushy peas, please, mate.”  “You want salt on that?”  “Hell Yeah!”  Mission accomplished! Because you have green fingers, dosen’t necessarily mean that you’re a good gardener. It could really mean that you’re just a lousy painter…

 

Barmy Albert visits his doctor and tells him that Non-Stick Nora hasn't made love with him for over six months. The physician listens sympathetically, then recommends that Albert should bring Nora in so he can discuss that matter and obtain better information from her personally and reach a suitable prognosis in order to resolve the unfortunate problem. The next day, Nora meanders into the doctor’s office and the he asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to make love with Barmy Albert anymore. With all the dignity that she could muster, Nora tells him: "For the past six months, every morning I take a taxi to work. I’m constantly skint, so don't have any money and the cab driver asks me: 'So, are you going to pay today, or what?' so I take the 'or what' choice.  When I get to work, I'm very late, so the gaffer asks me: “So, are we going to dock your wages, or what?” so I take the 'or what' option, yet again!  Going back home, I take the taxi and I don't have any money, then the driver asks me once more: “So are you going to pay this time, or what?” so yet again I take the 'or what' alternative.  As you can see doctor, when I eventually get back home, I'm all exhausted and I don't want to do anything too strenuous, because I’m totally knackered!"  The doctor pontificates the issue for a few moments and then turns to Nora and sez:  "So are we going to tell Albert about all this, or what?"

 

                                                  

When I was a little kid, we were so poor, that sometimes we only had bits of old rope to eat. I would often skip lunch. I used to ask my mum if there was there anything for tea and she’d say: “Frayed knot.” My mum also taught me to speak Japanese.  Whenever the rent man knocked on the door, she would send me to answer it and I would tell him: “Shintin.”   Things became much worse when my dad was sacked from his job as a road works foreman for theft. I didn’t want to believe it, but when I got home from school, all the signs were there. I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! I’ve never played cards since, because I’m frightened of winning ‘em back!

 

I phoned my doctors surgery yesterday morning. I sez: "I need to make an appointment with the doctor as soon as possible because everything in my ear is constantly echoing." "Okay" she replied, "How does tomorrow sound?"  I sez: "Tomorrow- morrow – orrow."

 

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora took all the grandchildren to Chester Zoo over the Bank Holiday.  They were fascinated by a baguette in a cage. The attendant informed them that it was bread in captivity.

 

Fascinating Fact: For well over a decade, Houdini used trap doors to enhance every trick that he performed. It was a stage he was going through.

 

Thought for Thursday: Instead of building multi-billion high speed rail tracks, why don't people just get earlier trains?

 

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don't realise this until after I've said them.  I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er do wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comediasnuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!