I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes?

                                             

I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? It’s been a hectic summer and I’m still quite busy this week.  My photo shows a few gigs that I’ve done with Harry Redknapp. However, the most important occasion was last week when my daughter Suzie married her long-time partner George. They make a wonderful couple and it was a very swish do at a magnificent location in Cheshire.

       

 

A far cry from my wedding reception that was held at McDonalds.  It was the last happy meal that I ever had!  Marriage is akin to a deck of cards.  You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade!

                              

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Putin is rudely awakened in the middle of the night by his top army General Valery Gerasimov, who exclaimed: “Mr President, sir, the Ukrainians want to talk to you about surrender.” Putin replies: “Fantastic! Get me Zelensky on the phone immediately.” The general asks: “What phone? They’re outside!”

 

I wonder if “Two Tier Kier” can stop the boats as rapidly as he axed the pensioners heating allowance. He’ll be taxing zimmer frames and walking sticks next!  We’re all doomed!

 

I'm sick of hearing Olympians talk about how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices they've made".

What do they want?   A flamin’ gold medal?

 

This afternoon, I came down with a bad case of the Herman's Hermits, which is a really strange malady, because I woke up this morning feeling fine.

 

Thought for Thursday: Instead of building multi-billion high speed rail tracks, why don't people just get earlier trains?

                                                            

I fondly recollect when I was a young lad and my dad used to roll me downhill in old tyres. Those were the Goodyears.   He didn’t like me as a child.  He used to examine my birth certificate for loopholes. I had a nut allergy as a kid and my dad would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels….

 

Still on the subject of family, I was totally horrified by the results of my genealogy test. I found out my great grandfather was from Transylvania. Now I can't look at myself in the mirror. Although he passed away some years ago, I still have him in my contacts. It was very windy the day I scattered his ashes.

 

I’ll always remember the year my uncle Tommy went to prison for forgery.  It was about the same time I stopped getting birthday cards off Pamela Anderson.

 

Non-Stick Nora was bitten by a radioactive owl and now she's making all Barmy Albert’s decisions for him.

She has been given the power of a Tawny! It all started when she told Albert that she had accidentally broken her Sat-Nav and wanted £250 off him for a brand new one. In no uncertain terms, Albert told her: “Well, you can go and get lost…”  That’s when the fight started!

 

When I took the car into the garage, I was worried the mechanic might rip me off. Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid. He told me that he couldn’t repair the brakes, so he’d made the horn louder. The mechanic then advised me: “Would you like a warranty guarantee? Then, if anything goes awry with the repairs, you could come back here and wave the guarantee at me and any problem on the vehicle would be put right, absolutely free of charge!” I wholeheartedly agreed with him, so he sez: “Well, just sign here, where it states ‘I waive my guarantee...”

 

I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs,duvets, fluffy towels, copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera etc.

                                                    

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my front garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.   An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’  The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

 

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do something? Well, mine bets me a tenner that I can! It also tells me that you can visit my website and check out my all new Jokey-Bloggington!  Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  You can email me too; comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work!