Gadzooks! In this appalling weather, I think that you should always check on the elderly and ensure that they’re in fine fettle. I’m normally up by 8-30 am. Bring me a McDonalds Breakfast bap and a large coffee. Aythengu!
When Barmy Albert had his training as an airline pilot, he sat in the cockpit and looked down nervously and asked: “What are all these buttons for?” The pilot replied; “They’re used to fasten your shirt up properly….”
Fascinating Factoid: Being twenty in the 70’s was much more fun that being seventy in the 20’s.
Due to the awful weather conditions, l visited my octogenarian neighbour Elsie Grabknuckle to ask if she needed anything from the local supermarket. It turned out she did, so l gave her my shopping list as well. There’s no point in both of us walking out on the icy pavements.
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Rachel Reeves' recent budget announcement. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain.
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R.I.P. My mate Dave who told his missus that he was just popping out for some sewing thread, but spent the full day down Wetherspoons! Gone, but not for cotton. Isn’t life bobbins. Will Dave’s wife ever forgive his selfish behaviour? Frayed knot!
Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb in through the kitchenette window...”
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
I heard about a man and a woman, who had never met before, and were both married to other people and found themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the space, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 AM, the bloke leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married." "Wow! That’s a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Then get your own blanket!"
Royal Mail are recruiting extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.
I received a very sad letter this morning, it was written on an onion. The author was an elderly gentleman who resides in my parish, he has suffered serious hearing problems for a number of years. He was stone deaf. Then after a visit to his GP, was fitted with a revolutionary new hearing aid that allowed the old fella to hear one hundred percent. The old wag went back in a month to see the doctor. The quack pronounced, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear everything again.” To which the octogenarian geezer replied, “Oh, I haven’t told the family yet. I just sit around and listen to all the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already this week!”
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
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