Only dog owners will understand this....

                               

In Westminster, MP’s are expressing concern about the rise in knife crime. They then proceed to stab 17.4 million voters in the back. On Thursday 2nd of May, we will have our revenge!

                                       

A mate of mine is a dog handler with the Greater Manchester Police. One evening, he was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his van and commanded it to enter and seek out. Leaping from the back of the van, the dog headed for the building. After lurching through the doorway, the dog literally froze and backed out. My pal was perplexed, until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinary Practice." Only dog owners will understand this....



I was working in a hotel in Saltburn last weekend and I sez to concierge: "I'm sorry, I can't remember what room I am in ". He replied: "This is the lobby, sir..."



                                             

Last Wednesday, I drove past the house where I used to live when I was a kid and couldn’t resist knocking on the door, in the hope that I’d be able to wander around the old place and be cast back in time to the halcyon 70’s era. Anyway, they told me to sod off and never come back! Mind you, my dad always was a cantankerous old curmudgeon. He was very cruel when I was a nipper. He knew that I had a nut allergy and would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels...


                                         

The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.



I’ve decided to attend Manchester Metropolitan University and I’m going to study astrology. Today, I have applied for a Russell Grant.

                       

I came home from the car boot sale on Sunday with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett for just 50p, whilst Barmy Albert picked up a signed photo of Ronnie Barker for a paltry £1. So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.



“I’ve taken up crown green bowls” Barmy Albert informed me. “Well if they have a referee in soccer and an umpire in cricket, then what do they have in bowls?” I asked him. He thought for a minute and replied: “Goldfish?”



The missus sez, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong."

I replied, "And whose fault is that?"



Thought for Thursday: The best time to make friends is before you need them.


                                                 

Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and purveyors of egregious crapulate logorrhoea. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!