Five Top Tips for Blokes....

 

                                  

Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books. Nowadays, we scroll through books on tablets! Who’d a thowt it!



Five Top Tips for Blokes:

1) It’s important to find a woman who is a brilliant housekeeper and an excellent cook.

2) It’s essential to find a woman with a good sense of humour, who can make you laugh.

3) It’s imperative to find a woman who does not lie to you.

4) It is a prerequisite to get a woman who loves you and spoils you to bits.

5) It’s most important that none of these four women know each other….

                     

  



14 Fascinating Facts:



1) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



2) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



3) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



4) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.



5) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.



6) The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.



7) If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.



8) If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.



9) The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.



10) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day supping ale.



11) Flashlight or torch: A case for holding dead batteries.



12) The big toe is a device for locating furniture in a dark room.



13) A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



14) When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

                                             

 



Barmy Albert was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking spot, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up supping beer!" Then, miraculously, a parking place appeared. Albert looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

I arrived a tad early at the restaurant last night and the manager exclaimed: “Would you mind waiting for a bit?” I sez: “No. not at all.” He replied: “Fantastic! Take this tray of drinks to table 39.”

Thought for Thursday: Think old and you’ll be old. Think young and you’ll be a delusional old windbag.

Apparently, this coming weakend theyz will bee constant rane, hail, gails, drizzell, tawnyadoes and and it’ll bee reet cauld. It’s gunner bee a reely bad spell of wether!

Do you know why birdies sing before dawn? Ornithologists reckon that it’s to tell all their mates that they’ve actually made it through the night, as in a manner of speaking advising that they’re still a part of the rich tapestry of life. Maybe that’s why we sing in the shower. Why we create art . It’s a way of saying “I made it. I’m still hereabouts! I’m still languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora. You can visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington by just clicking on www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get back to work!